The Straight And Narrow
 
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There Goes Blog Land
Posted:Nov 20, 2018 6:22 pm
Last Updated:Nov 22, 2018 1:43 am
3604 Views

The fake profiles that the scammers put up here are bad enough, well, I just saw a new blogger in the "Newly Created Blogs". This new blogger posted a couple of emojies in her initial post. Not really thinking much about it, I clicked on her profile. The worst English I think I've ever seen from a scammer.

I know we've all had some kind of interaction with these people, but have you ever seen one blogging?
38 Comments
Something To Be Thankful For
Posted:Nov 17, 2018 5:44 pm
Last Updated:Dec 13, 2018 6:53 am
4329 Views

After my and granddaughters moved in and the wife moved on I took over all the Mom duties in the house. This included the Thanksgiving dinner. I'd never cooked anything like this before and wasn't too confident, despite my culinary creativity. My cooking had always been along the line of breakfast tacos, Dorito meatloaf, and homemade Pizza. I have a few TexMex dishes I've made up that were popular, but nothing like a traditional Thanksgiving dinner. Wow! I've worked in restaurants before and knew how busy things can get, but trying to serve up turkey and all the rest and getting it all to the table hot, unburned, and fully cooked at the same time was some kind of feat.

I tried this a few yrs before I realized a 4 and a 6 yr old weren't going eat anything save a roll with butter, some mashed potatoes, or stove top stuffing. They could care less for turkey, cranberry sauce, green beans, etc. And it wasn't MY cooking, they didn't like turkey at the other grandparents house, either. So, about 5 yrs ago I decided to give them a dinner they could be thankful for. I told everyone they could pick one main dish, one side, anything they wanted, and I'd make enough so that everyone could have some of everything. It worked, they eat, they get excited picking their dishes, and now hate going to the other grandparents just that much more. SUCCESS!!!

Over the years we've come up with a few constants for every dinner. Since everybody loves stuffing and Texas cheese toast, those are automatically on the menu, plus I always allow a few "extras" just to NOT limit their enjoyment.

Anywho, after all this rambling BS, here's this years Thanksgiving Meal for 2018:

Stuffing
Tamales
Texas cheese toast
Eggrolls
Fish Sticks
Mashed potatoes
Spaghetti
Waffle Fries
Chicken Strips
Taquitos

Do you have a traditional dinner or do you have something different?
48 Comments
Porn Buddies, Duck Butter, and Goose Cheese
Posted:Oct 12, 2018 7:48 am
Last Updated:Nov 12, 2018 9:10 pm
4951 Views
I read a post by Paulxx001 where he visited a restaurant and had foie gras. It reminded me of this post of mine:

From Urban Dictionary:
Porn Buddy: An intricate pledge system in which a bond is formed between two porn loving individuals. If one should die, the other will immediately remove all pornography from their house before the parents can find it (keeping at their own discression).

I was talking to a friend today and he brought up who his "porn buddy" was and their instructions to clear his computer, take his porn, and smoke his weed. I started thinking I should have a "porn buddy". My computer guy has already seen a bunch of my porn so nothing new there! But he's 10 older than me. I should be HIS porn buddy! The added stress of worrying about dying and my last porn and testament being sifted thru by my G-girls is probably going to kill me.

Duck Butter:The combination of sweat from the ballsack and anus that creates a buttery film on the grundle and butthole.

I don't know if I've ever served Duck Butter to any women, but if I have, Bon Appetit!

Goose Cheese: The female version of duck butter.

I've had this. And once your "down there" and realize "what's for dinner", there's no backing out without ruining the evening and any possible future relationship.

So, do you have a Porn Buddy? Ever had Duck Butter or Goose Cheese?

31 Comments
I Got Fucked Good
Posted:Oct 11, 2018 8:46 am
Last Updated:Oct 30, 2018 9:03 am
5106 Views

And not in a good way. Previously on "The Straight And Narrow" I told y'all about how the DMV never got my medical form from the Dr's office and the state was threatening to suspend my drivers license. Well, I went down to the Dr's office, and wouldn't you know, the girl didn't know what I was talking about. She said she was new, but would look into it and call me. 2 weeks went by and I never got a call. I even called and left a message with the answering service, because the Dr's office never answers the phone, and still nothing.

I called the DMV and after 30 mins on hold finally talked to someone and told them what was up and could they sent out the medical release forms again. I was told there wouldn't be time, as it takes 3 weeks to get that out of the office. No wonder it takes them 30 mins to answer the phone. I was told my best bet was to request a court hearing ASAP. A request for a court hearing is done by fax, not in person, or by mail, or by email, but by old, archaic fax. Well, it just so happens I have a copy machine which has a fax mode. So, I type out a nice request letter, print it out and fax it in on Sept 17th. A good 3 and a half weeks prior to my Date of Revocation. That's because you have to allow 3 wks for them to "process" it.

I wait, and I wait, and nothing is showing up in my mailbox. So, on the 10th, yesterday, the day before they revoke my license, I call the DMV and after 38 mins someone picks up the phone and tells me "Fax? What fax?" Oh my god! I'm coming unglued! I went on a rant about how I'm doing what I'm supposed to do, but everyone else is dropping their end and I'm gonna be the one who gets fucked in the end. The lady asks me to hold while she calls the Medical Review Board. After a few minutes she comes back and tells me if I re-fax it with proof of fax, they will honor the original date of fax. My fax machine does not give me a receipt, it has a little digital window that says "Received". She puts me on hold, then comes back to tell me to re-fax it anyway and they'll set my hearing. This time I went to a mailbox store and had it faxed and got a receipt.

Today I called again, and after 37 mins someone answered and said that while he did see a confirmation of my fax,he did not see any hold on the revocation of my license. I finally got him to call the Medical board, but they told him, without that proof of the original fax sent, my license is suspended as of today. I asked him how long it takes to get my hearing. At least 90 days to set the hearing date. That's not even the date of the hearing, just the minimum amount of time till they "set" a hearing date. The guy suggested I get a new medical release form, take it to the Dr, send it to the Medical Review Board and possibly they might reinstate my license without the hearing. He's gonna send one out.

I'll be driving on a suspended license when I go back to the Dr's office. I think I need to do something "memorable" just to make sure they don't forget who I am this time. Has anybody else ever been through something as fucked as this?
29 Comments
Boom Chica Boom
Posted:Oct 7, 2018 11:52 am
Last Updated:Oct 13, 2018 6:20 pm
5722 Views
I was perusing Craigslist last night, just looking. When I get bored I like to window shop. Last night I was looking at puppies. Chihuahuas to be exact. I've always wanted a herd of 10 chihuahuas. We got our little "Yo Quiero Taco Bell"
dog, Esperanza almost 3 years ago. A little over a year later we picked up Nacho, a chihuahua "mix". If Nacho has any chihuahua in him, it's one he ate. This dog is a 20lb wire haired Terrier. I should've known by those big feet.

I scan through the chihuahua section, listing after listing and find a little girl. 10 wks old, chihuahua mix. I send an inquiring text, she's still available, text tomorrow after 9am. I went to bed with a plan in mind. I woke up with a word in mind, "mix". I'd fallen for this once, so before I sent my text I got back on CL. It wasn't long before I found something: rehoming fee, text me if interested, she is 2 months, she is very tiny super loving and playful, can't keep her because of my pitbulls. this looked right. I sent a text and got an almost immediate response: still available, need her gone ASAP, $60.

I got the address and headed downtown, heart of the Barrio, where you don't ask for directions, you don't look at anybody, you just mind your own business. Where the houses are small, and the yards are smaller, with fences in the front as well as the back. I was thankful for the heavy wrought iron fence around the front yard as it stood between me and 2 large pitbulls. Rather than trying to get to the front door, I sent a text. Out the girls came with a handful of puppy, just what I wanted, I paid them and got my white-boy ass back in my truck: Vaminos!

Once home Espy and Nacho were happy to meet little Chica, and she seemed happy to be around dogs closer to her size. She still has her puppy breath. Welcome to the herd Chica! 2 down, 8 to go!


43 Comments
THAT'S The Wrong Hole
Posted:Oct 5, 2018 8:29 pm
Last Updated:Nov 4, 2018 6:43 am
6564 Views
When I was in the hospital in '99 they decided to put me out for about 3 days, shoved a tube down my throat, and strapped me to the bed. When I woke up I remember freaking out on the respirator tube, panicking I wouldn't be able to breath, until I realized I was. Then I freaked out on not being able to swallow. They eventually pulled it out, it felt like several feet of tubing.

That's when I realized I had a tube up my dick. Oh Fuck Me! I immediately started begging them to take it out. The male nurse told me, if he pulls it out and I don't pee in this jug within an hour, he's gonna put it back in. They eventually pulled it out, it also felt like several feet of tubing.

Now, I know there's Sounding. Just reading the words of Urban Dictionary's definition makes me cringe and cross my legs: "The practice of inserting plastic or metal 'sounds' (long thin and very smooth objects) into yours or someone else's urethra. Ultimately leads to stretching of the urethra so that larger objects (such as a finger) can be inserted in the penis."

A fucking finger? Oh my God! I'm gonna be sick. But this brings me to my point, have you seen the catheter commercials on TV? There are a couple of different ones for Liberty Catheters. In both commercials these guys can't stop smiling, going on and on about they're loving relationship for these tubes. You'd think it was a sex toy, or "ribbed for his pleasure" the way they act. One guy flies around in a stunt plane, doing loops. I'd be burying the fucking nose of that plane into the ground if I had to stick a tube up my dick to pee. That's a quality of life decision.

I'm very lucky I was out when they violated me in the hospital, if I'd been awake, I don't think I'd be "right" in the head, now. Whoever invented this little form of torture took the easy way out, straight up the orifice, right to the bladder. With everything they have in the hospital, they should be able to give me case of diarrhea so bad, I wouldn't need to pee.

So, has anybody else seen these commercials? Did they seem a little too excited about their plastic fantastic lover? What do you think about Sounding?


54 Comments
Love
Posted:Oct 1, 2018 7:05 am
Last Updated:Oct 4, 2018 9:10 pm
6555 Views
a repost from my mc-archives

Love.......
-can make your heart beat fast
-can keep you up at night
-can make you cry
-can make you laugh
-can feel good
-can be painful
-can be simple
-can be messy
-can overtake every other thought
-can control your every move

~come to think of it, the same can be said for POOP!

~can you think of anything else that poop and love have in common?


13 Comments
Messages Sent
Posted:Sep 28, 2018 10:21 pm
Last Updated:Oct 28, 2018 7:47 pm
7494 Views

***To an attractive woman in Raymondville, Tx, near the border, I tend to ramble.....

Hi, What a lovely face you have. I was in Raymondville, coming back from Christmas on S. Padre. I got to meet some of your fine Border Patrol agents, nice guys, very friendly dog, he really liked my car. I guess the poor dog wanted something in my car, so I let him look for it, but I guess he couldn't find anything and they let me go on down the road. Nice bunch of guys, they got my name, address, phone number, I guess they wanna stay in touch with me. I'd like to stay in touch with you if your interested.
mc

***To a woman in Magnolia,Tx.............

Hi, I like your picture. I see you live in Magnolia. I hear y'all have some famous waffle house in Magnolia, or is it pancakes. I also see your marital status is "prefer not to say". So I've got 2 questions, does your husband know and will syrup be involved? I like syrup, but I'd have to make sure we're both completely hairless. Talk about "sticky buns". Let me know if your interested, I'll bring napkins.
mc_justmc

***To a pretty young woman who amazingly just joined yesterday, believe it or not.......

Hey, after reading your profile I thought we could get together and "prefer not to say" something together. Your "Intro" says your 25 yrs old and 5'6", but your "Info" says your 36 yrs old and 5'4". I think you were "preferring" when you filled your profile out. I know I was "preferring" when I was reading it.
mc

***This one was sent to a woman who lives in CC and KC. I know one is Corpus Christi, the other, I'm not sure if that's Kansas City or Karnes City, hope it's Karnes, that's a lot closer.............

What a pretty face, when your going from CC to KC, do you ever find yourself in SA? If you'd like a FWB, I can be OTR ASAP. I'm OK w/ a FB, too. I see your marital status is "prefer not to say" and I can keep things on the QT,
e-me,
mc

Do you ever send random messages?
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50 Comments
Fuck Me Running Or Should I Say Walking
Posted:Sep 3, 2018 6:12 am
Last Updated:Oct 13, 2018 7:15 pm
9713 Views

Fuck, fuck, fuck! Last spring, when I decided to close up my shop I had to submit to a FBI fingerprint/background check for my new job. No big deal, the only problem I had was time limitations. I was still working on a lot of bikes, plus trying to organize and pack, and now squeezing in this crap.

So on my "given day" I headed about 20 miles across town to get this fingerprint shit over with, early. Traffic wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, I got there and didn't have to wait, I even landed the best looking female fingerprinter in the place, which wasn't saying much. So, sit for a picture, show multiple forms of ID, some electronic prints, get a receipt, and I'm right back out the door.

I'm back at work and the place is a wreck of half finished jobs, half packed crap, plus it was never that clean to begin with, when I notice my wallet is missing. I tear the office apart, then I tear my truck apart, 3 times, then I drive back to the fingerprint place because they don't have a telephone line, everything is set up through the internet. Nope, no wallet.

Knowing I'm gonna need it for this new job I head to the DMV the following morning. The place is packed and it takes almost 90 minutes to get to the counter. A quick pic and I'm about to leave when the lady asks if I've had any serious medical issues in the last year. Yes, 9 months prior I had a heart attack. OMG that's another form! When I finally get back to her she informs me the state will be sending me a "medical clearance form" which must be filled out by my Dr and sent back to the DMV or my license will be suspended.

Great! I can't get the Dr's office to answer or return a phone call when a prescription runs out. A few weeks pass, I get the form, head to the Dr's office and drop it off. Done! Or so I thought. Saturday I got a letter from the DMV saying that since the form was never returned my license will be suspended on 11/10/2018 unless I request a hearing which will take place in court.

So, Tuesday morning, while I can still legally drive, I'll be headed to the Dr's office to see WHAT THE FUCK happened to my form. It probably wouldn't be a good time for them to be checking my blood pressure.
53 Comments
The 5th Annual Barbie Awards
Posted:Aug 11, 2018 8:28 pm
Last Updated:Sep 3, 2018 7:02 am
9206 Views
It's time once again to take a peek at the best new Barbies coming soon to a store near you! First up is

Legal Immigrant Barbie



She's blonde. She's beautiful. She's European. She's In! No red tape, no questions asked, just raise her right hand and take an oath and she's on her way to becoming a productive American citizen. If she can't find a fat, rich American real estate billionaire to marry she'll be the hottest new star in the porn industry! Legal Immigrant Barbie comes complete with passport, citizenship papers, and life-like legs ready to spread for any occasion. *chain-migration relatives NOT included.

DWI Barbie



This hot mess of polyvinyl chloride was just picked up in a bar room brawl! And she's got the scars to prove it! With her vomit matted hair, Alice Cooper mascara, and bloody lip she's just gettin' started. This Barbie comes complete with black roots, attitude, and several cans o'whoop ass, and she's ready to open every Gott Damm one of 'em! *sobriety and bail NOT included.

Colonoscopy Barbie



Well, Barbie's over 50 yrs old, so it's time to get "snaked". Regularly. You'll have hours of fun prepping, anesthetizing, and reaming this backdoor Barbie, and making crude jokes at her expense while she dreams she's riding a carousel pole. This Barbie comes complete with anal snake, butthole, and polyps. *PVC lube NOT included.

Speed Whore Barbie



This twitchy, tweaking, bag of bones will do anything for a bump. Honestly. Anything. Get ready to party all night long because this bitch NEVER goes to sleep. With this Barbie you'll have days on end of fun learning your grams, ounces, and pounds, how to cut them, and how to package them. This Barbie is a nightmare that never ends and comes complete with a dime bag, glass pipe, carton of cigarettes, and open facial sores. *condoms NOT included.

Cornpone Country Barbie



Barbie's gone off to the hills and she ain't never coming back! Moonshining, cousin loving, banjo picking, this Barbie is most comfortable barefoot and squeeling like a pig in her cut-offs, and shirt, sewn from a Stuckey's diningroom table cloth. With calloused knees and elbows this Barbie put the Ho in Hoedown and there ain't a haystack in 5 counties that hasn't seen her "MADE IN CHINA" tramp stamp. This country bumpkin comes complete with way too much eye shadow, non-existent dental work, and a butthole that doubles as a bottle opener. *any intelligence not included.

Well that's it for this years Barbithon. If there's any I missed, feel free to add them in the comments section. Where the hell is BiggLala, she tore this post up last time we did it.
30 Comments
Copping A Feel-Literally
Posted:Aug 9, 2018 7:26 am
Last Updated:Aug 12, 2018 7:41 am
9289 Views

I was commenting on a post by GratefulGirl69 called "Blues and Shoes" where she asks if we've ever defaced a car. It reminded me of an encounter I had.

Back in Richardson, Tx around 1979, my 1st ex and I came home one night to find our quarter pound of weed missing. A short while later a friend dropped by to let me know our mutual friend "Chad" had broke in my home and stole my weed and my guitar. I didn't even know my guitar was gone. We jump in my car and head over to some apartments where we beat on a door for a while with no response. We find Chad's car, a nice shiny black 1968 Monte Carlo, and consider that my weed may be in the trunk. My friend grabs my tire iron, I grab a pipe, and we commence to remodeling the trunk, hoping it will pop open like they always do in the movies. Having no luck we hop in my car to leave right when the Richardson police show up to investigate some "criminal mischief" reported.

It's a female cop, nothing really stands out about her except her badge and her gun. She starts asking us questions when lo and behold here comes Chad rambling about how we beat the crap out of his car. Poor innocent me replies, "why would I beat on your car, we're friends?". The cop goes over to investigate the car and I make damn sure to run my hand over the damaged trunk right in front of the cop so she can see me leaving my fingerprints everywhere.
At this point it's a he said/I said and all she wants to do is take a report and get out of the middle of our mess. As she's taking notes I reach in my back pocket for my cigarettes, she drops her clipboard and has her gun half drawn almost as fast as my hands reached for the sky. I nearly quit smoking right then and there.

Fast forward 2 later, divorced and hitchhiking, my ass shorts on, down the highway access road one night, when I hear a car pulling up behind . I turn to see it's a cop car. The car pulls up, window comes down, and I see it's the same female cop. "I can give you a ride, but I'll need to check you for warrants first". Knowing I've got a traffic warrant in Garland I it dumb and hope they can't put 2 and 2 together. We sit in the car and make small talk, she's very nice, so I don't bring up the whole Monte Carlo/cigarette/gun event. It comes back I have a warrant in Garland, and she asks if they can verify the warrant. thinking she likes my ass shorts and really wants to give that ride. A few minutes later it comes back, verified, and she informs me that I'll have to step around back of the car so she can cuff me.

I lean on the back of the car as she pats me down, basic pat down, then she reaches around to my crotch and she really starts digging around, and I really start wishing I was erect, but this whole scenario has NOT put me in any kind of mood, up until the frisky frisking. We drive to the station, she lets me sit up front with her, and we go inside for booking. Typical booking, but she tells me she's gonna let me sit with her while she fills out her report to give my Mom a chance to get there with my bail so I won't have to sit in a cell.

45 minutes we sat there and talked, my Mom isn't there so she takes me to the cell. On the way way she tells me to drop the "issued blanket" and get against the wall. confused, she grabs my arm and forcefully puts in the "frisk position". Another pat down, another extended crotch grab, another un-erect moment, then we continue on down the hall. As she opens the cell door, I say,"So if you ever want to get together sometime...", grabbing me by the shoulder she sends me flying into the cell. Slams the door. Walks away. Not a word. I guess I was disappointing to her, but in my defense, not really a turn-on getting arrested.

Synopsis: I got my weed AND my guitar back. I didn't get shot. I got felt up. Twice. Has anyone in a position of authority ever taken advantage of you? Did you mind? I know I didn't. Now where are those ass shorts... I met more women hitchhiking in those shorts than I ever did in bars.
30 Comments
Thoroughly Modern Me
Posted:Aug 3, 2018 8:33 am
Last Updated:Aug 9, 2018 8:16 pm
9474 Views

Since closing my business down last April, I've been wondering what to do with 22 yrs of accumulated crap. The motorcycle parts I'm not worried about. I'll use them for myself or for friends. The shop equipment I'm slowly moving into my garage, but the office fixtures are what really take up a lot of storage unit space. In all I have 8 file cabinets. Without them I could drop my storage unit from a 10x20 to a 10x10. And that would lower my storage bill of $150 to $70 per month.

My solution? Remove the standing shelves from my bedroom and replace it with file cabinets. I call it "Modern American Office Decor". I'm going to put 2, 5 drawer cabinets on one side of my bed, and 2, 4 drawer on the other. That will leave 2 horizontal file cabinets which will stack nicely under my window. The file cabinets will hold twice as much crap as my shelving and cut down on the dust build up in my room. The last 2 cabinets will probably get chucked.

Another remodeling dream I have is my kitchen. I have the standard wood cabinets, the standard faux wood counter tops, and the white ceramic sinks. Boring. My dream, and I've already been pricing it, is to rip everything out and replace it with stainless steel restaurant fixtures. I'd want to ceramic tile the floors and 3/4 of the walls, stainless counters with double deep sinks. Open stainless shelving, that way everything is visible, open, and accessible.

Imagine looking under the sink and there's all my plumbing, no crawling under/into the cabinet to fix a leak. The ability to pull all my shelving, counters, oven, and fridge out yearly for a good floor and wall mopping. From what I've found online, I can do the entire job for under $2500, and that's new equipment. I'd probably hit a restaurant supply store and buy used.

What would be your dream home?
29 Comments
149 Days Till Christmas
Posted:Jul 29, 2018 8:50 am
Last Updated:Jul 30, 2018 8:09 pm
9817 Views
Just in case you were enjoying this long hot summer, I'd just like to remind you that Christmas is on it's way. 21 weeks and 2 days. 3,576 hours. Tick Tock. That time of year when you drag a big dead tree into your home, try your best to get it to stand up straight, and not drop needles on your floor while you decorate it. That time of year when you throw your budget, your diet, and your sanity out the window.

Time to drag all those yard ornaments and exterior lights out so you can pay a bigger electric bill. Clean up that spare room for guests that, Thank God, you only have to see once a year. The in-coming and out-going of Christmas cards. The sharp elbows of Christmas cheer that greets you at the malls. The table leaf that you drag out, and dust off so you can eat with people that make you lose your appetite. The annoying music that seems to be everywhere, playing continuously in a loop .....Frosty the uggghhhh, I can't even finish it.

Yes, what a wonderful time of year. Did I leave anything out?

27 Comments

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Most Recent Comments by Others

Post Poster Post Date
Something To Be Thankful For (48)shaheen6060
Dec 15, 2018 9:24 am
There Goes Blog Land (39)Koffla
Nov 22, 2018 1:40 am
THAT'S The Wrong Hole (57)lonlyforlove2
Nov 3, 2018 6:13 pm
I Got Fucked Good (30)Koffla
Oct 29, 2018 2:08 pm
Porn Buddies, Duck Butter, and Goose Cheese (31)lindoboy100
Oct 29, 2018 11:49 am
Messages Sent (53)nostalgic68
Oct 28, 2018 6:26 pm
Boom Chica Boom (43)mature_951
Oct 13, 2018 8:52 am
Fuck Me Running Or Should I Say Walking (56)txmature2
Oct 13, 2018 5:57 am
Love (15)sweet_VM
Oct 4, 2018 7:06 pm
The 5th Annual Barbie Awards (33)lindoboy100
Aug 27, 2018 3:51 pm
Copping A Feel-Literally (35)sweet_VM
Aug 10, 2018 3:42 pm