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I'm a lawyer focusing on Australian train sex laws
Posted:Jun 19, 2018 5:05 pm
Last Updated:Jun 20, 2018 7:10 pm
A dude in Australia got busted for getting a blowjob on a train . Interestingly the blower did not get arrested . I suppose the blowee was indecent exposuring but she's fine ? The only conclusion I can draw is that it's fine to bang in public in Australia as long as no can see the naught bits . Which seems about right based on what I know of Australia .

Anyway , that's not even the important part . The important part is that the dude dumped a bottle of Coke (always Coca-Cola ! ) on his crotch afterwards in an attempt to clean up because he didn't want his girlfriend to find out .

That seems like a massively terrible idea . How is pouring sticky soda on your dick going to anything ? And he must not have had anything to wipe if off with because otherwise he would have used that thing to clean up his junk in the first place . When he got off the train he was still flapping his cock in the breeze so he was air-drying . Maybe he thought the coke would disintegrate the semen like Boba Fett frying rebel spies but if he did would he have gotten away with it ? I guess he could claim he spilled the Coke but if your man came home with a whole bottle of Coke down his pants wouldn't you think "He must be covering up a blowjob !" ? I would .

Did you know that Prince wrote "Nothing Compared 2U" ? I didn't . Not only that but he recorded and released in 5 before the Sinead version . So technically it's a cover song . Is it the most successful cover of all time ? No , that's "All Along the Watchtower" .

I like that song , ergo I must attack it .

"It's been hours and fifteen days
Since you took your love away"

Is that the timestamp from them the song was written ? Writing a song can take a long time . Maybe they started writing right after the break-up and it took that long to write . It should be updated every time the song is ed right ? It's been 7 hours and 10226 days since you took your love away .

Also just because you dump some doesn't mean you don't love them . Sometimes it's because you love them TOO much . You know ?

"I go out every night and sleep all day
Since you took your love away"

What about work ? Unless they work nights , in which case this doesn't seem so bad at all . Unless they're saying they're hurt so bad they can't even work . Daniel Van Kirk has a funny bit about a time when he was moping around work because a girl broke his heart and his boss had a talk with him about love in a THICK Chicago accent . Funny and heart-warming .

"Since you been g I can do whatever I want
I can see whomever I choose
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant"

Technically these things were true before also . But I get what they're saying here - even a good relationship makes you feel kind of trapped . You COULD do whatever you want but you have another person to consider . Which isn't necessary bad but it is a limitation . I guess this guy (or girl or whatever) wasn't big on fancy restaurants . Although that seems like an easy thing to compromise on in a relationship . If your big sticking point with your "other" is that they want to go to fancy restaurants and you won't budge on that point it's going to be a rocky ride .

"But nothing
I said nothing can take away these blues"

Romantic , but probably not true . They have pills for that .

"Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you"

This is romantic but grammatically incorrect . You can compare anything to anything . Which is why I hate the expression "It's like comparing apples and oranges" . Those things are easy to compare . is red (sometimes) is orange . is delicious , is okay at best . is made into an awesome pie , the other is made into mediocre juice . it made into fantastic cider , the other is made into a rewdriver . And so forth .

What the lyric should be is "I have compared many things to you and I favor you over most of them" . Because no matter how much you love some you're not going to rank them #1 out of all things . You can't tell me your partner is better than a snow leopard . Because they're not . Thankfully you don't have to choose . Yet .

"It's been so lly without you here
Like a bird without a song"

I guess a bird without a song would be lly because they mostly sing to attract other birds right ? It's like a mating thing ? Maybe ? I'm no birdologist . Yet .

'Nothing can stop these lly tears from falling"

Again , probably not true because of the drugs the doctor will give you . Or that you can buy from the dude who hangs out at the Kum and Go down the street . Right by the fire station ! But I guess firemen can't bust punks so , you know . Still it seems weird .

"Tell me baby where did I go wrong"

Sometimes when people get dumped they ask what they did . Do they really want an answer ? Sometimes they say that they're change . I'm not sure what to think of that . On the hand changing for some you love seems like a good thing . But aren't you supposed to be yourself ? I mean imagine if your whatever came up to you and said "okay , you need to change these things about yourself or I'm dumping you" . I don't think you'd be pleased . My gut tells me if some doesn't like who you are that's fine , every should move on . But that's probably why I'm al .

"I could put my arms around every boy I see
But they'd only remind me of you"

That's assault hy .

"I went to the doctor and guess what he told me?
Guess what he told me?
He said girl you better try to have fun"

I doubt that . That doesn't seem very doctory . Unless they were a sassy doctor from some TV show . "Girl you better take your diabetes medicine !"

'No matter what you do, but he's a fool'

Agreed . Although I guess if you have stress induced angina maybe your doctor would tell you to try and have fun .

'All the flowers that you planted mama
In the back yard
All died when you went away'

Dang . That's bleak . In my mind the relationship must have been pretty advanced if he was planting flowers for mama , but some people are like that . A dude at work planted a whole bunch of stuff for the mother of a woman he had only been dating for a few months . Remember that time George was saying he wished he could talk to the mothers and sleep with the daughters ? Classic George .

'I know that living with you baby was sometimes hard
But I'm willing to give it another try'

This is interesting because it makes it seem like she was the to ended things right ? Did he take his love away because she gave him the walking papers ? Or maybe she broke it off because of whatever but she didn't really want to ?

Sometimes I think Sinead O'Conner is dead but that's Dolorous O'Reardon . Also sometimes I think she's a lesbian but that's some else too . I think she's just an alive straight person .
Picture someone who watches porn at work and loves to watch an ass kicking
Posted:Jun 18, 2018 4:55 pm
Last Updated:Jun 19, 2018 4:01 pm
What are you picturing ? Probably some like this ;

But you should be picturing this ;

Don't believe me ? In the episode "Fun Run" at the beginning the nerk is down because Pam paid for and downloaded a celebrity sex tape video that contained malware .

In the episode "Women's Appreciation" Pam says that she wishes some had flashed her when she was with Roy because "it would have been the ass ing of the year" .

Neither of those things seem very Pam-like do they ? But really , what do we know about Pam Beesley ?

You're probably thinking things ;

It's a fictional character on a sitcom why are you thinking about this so much ?

That show went off the air ago and stopped being good ago , shut up about it .

And those are both valid points but I fooled you all - you thought I was slowly turning this into a wrestling blog when really I'm turning it into a The Office blog .

Anyway getting back to wrestling I couldn't sleep last night because I was freaking out about work so I did what every does - I watched a wrestling documentary to sooth my frayed nerves .

These things pretty much all have the same trajectory - they start out no-name broke losers but they're having a blast with their buddies . Then they hit the big-time and it's a whirlwind of excitement . Then comes the drugs and the disillusionment and the self-loathing . Then comes the redemption .

And most of the time the redemption comes in the form of a lady (often the 3rd wife) who s them turn things around by putting a boot up their ass 24/7 . I never really thought about it before but that's really something you know ? To meet some , like them realize they're a fucking mess and decide "you know what , I'm going to fix this" . That's like . . . well its like something . I mean maybe these people are just control freaks and it's not as romantic as I think but from an outside perspective having the gumption to take some on as a project ? Seems impossible to me .

But it happens .

I often wonder about love what it is , if it exists , etc. but this seems like a strong indicator that it is a thing . Believing in some when they don't even believe in themselves , that's thing , but believing in them FOR them , that's a whole other level . Ya know ?

And as always I wonder if it's a gender thing because I don't know of too many men who'd see a lady who's totally off the rails and goes "yes , I can work with this ." Unless her tits are bonkers of course .

I was looking up something about servers today (the nerk hardware) and of the google suggestions was about a particular type of roleing (the sex kind not the good D&D kind) that is allegedly popular .

Which is person pretends to be a waitress/waiter (or "server" if you will) and the other the customer . And the is bad and the order is rewed up and everything so the "customer" gets pissed at the "server and then they bang I guess .

This seems like bad roleing to me . Because isn't it too close to reality ? You come home with groceries and your lady is pissed because you bought the wrong kind of almond milk after having been specifically warned that doesn't turn into sexy time right ?

And this whole server enario seems adjacent to that .

I was with a gal (sorry SAW) once who always wanted to role , which isn't my bag (what is amiright ? ) so time I says to her I says "okay , what about this how about you pretend I'm not the best of limited options and I'll pretend I don't kind of think about breaking up with you every time I leave here" .

She hit me with of those rubber car-strappy things right in the jaw .
Is there a lizard doctor in the house ?
Posted:Jun 17, 2018 4:33 pm
Last Updated:Jun 18, 2018 4:24 pm

Posting a quote is the 4th most lame thing you can post . So here's my quote ;

"No, There are people all over the world, who have all sorts of problems and afflictions, and diseases. They're deformed, and they're abnormal, and... they're illiterate and ugly. Symphonies don't have any money. Public TV is bust. I can't do anything about it, I can't... you know. There's just one of me, and there's a thousand of them. And rabies wins."
A blog of historical significance
Posted:Jun 16, 2018 7:09 am
Last Updated:Jun 17, 2018 4:31 pm

I'm changing my profile because even though it 100% doesn't matter what I have on there it was sending the wrong message . But this story needs to be preserved so I post it here for future generations of digital archeologists to enjoy .

When I was a kid one time I was playing baseball and I got walked so I took my base . I'm there on 1st and after a moment I realize that the pitcher is just standing there on the mound holding the ball , hand on hip , looking at me . Just looking at me . And I wonder "What's this guy's problem ?" And he just keeps eyeballing me . And I realize - does this dude think I'm going to try and steal second ? On a walk ? What the hell ?

But he just keeps staring at me so eventually I think "Alright buddy you want to get nuts ? Let's get nuts !" So I take off for second while he's looking right at me . It's like he was daring me to do it . He has me dead to rights , all he has to do is toss the ball to second and I'm out by a mile . But when I make my move his eyes get all wide like a cartoon wolf seeing a sexy lady and he panics - he sails the ball over the second baseman's head . I'm heading into second free as a bird and I peek into the outfield .

There's some kind of confusion out there and nobody has the ball . So I think "To hell with it , I'm going for third !" and around the corner I come . As I'm heading to third the base coach there is losing his god damn mind - he's waving for me to head home like a frightened babysitter trying to swat a bat with a tennis racket .

The crowd is going insane . They're about to see a home run on walk . This is something that has NEVER happened in the 230 year history of baseball on any level . No the pros , not the minor leagues , not college , this has never happened ever . I am going to be on Sportscenter . Sports Illustrated is going to interview me . This is going to be the moment .

I've got my head down and my arms chugging and I'm pumping my crazy legs like there's a mutant bear after me . The throw comes in from center field like a rocket - that dude chucked that thing like a protestor throwing a rock at the G8 summit . It came in on a rope and the catcher was right there . I slide , there's a play at the plate and I beat the tag !

PAN-DE-MONIUM . People are screaming and high fiving and almost falling out of their acid wash shorts .

It's at this point that the umpire informs me that that was only ball 3 . The reason the pitcher was staring at me is because I should not have been there . So I have to get back up to bat with two strikes and immediately strike out on the next pitch .

That incident is me in a nutshell . Although I learned a valuable lesson , if you're gonna go , you go all the way - maybe you're wrong and maybe you're right but it'll be exciting either way.

PS I am not exciting
We're going to need a bigger toaster
Posted:Jun 12, 2018 5:04 pm
Last Updated:Jun 15, 2018 5:46 pm
10 Shades of Toast

For (almost) four long years the challenge has gone unbidden . But no more ! I 40deuce shall rise to the challenge of all rivals .

I don't know what kind of fancy-ass toaster SBJ has with TEN levels on it . Mine only has five so that's what I'm doing . Deal with it .

I've learned that people in "the lifestyle" get very upset at people like me about what is or isn't "kink" so this is NOT a toaster metaphor for kinkiness , it's a toaster metaphor for freakiness . What's the difference ? Exactly .

I doubt anyone would really get offended by this BUT just in case keep in mind who this is coming from . So it's obviously hetero-centric and whatnot . I wouldn't presume to know what the gay community considers freaky . Not seriously anyway , I mean obviously I would as a "bit" . Which would be offensive also but it's okay if it's humor .

Not toasted – Some folk would call this vanilla but that’s because they don’t realize how rare and awesome vanilla was for most of human history . FYI Vanilla and Chocolate both came from the New World , before that people only had strawberry ice cream . Also there was no ice cream there was plague . Also the king banged your wife and there was nothing you could do about it .

This level is “normal” sexual practices . Depending on where you’re from and what you believe in oral may or may not be at the level or the next one up .

Level 1 – Basically just warm bread . There may be the slightest amount of browning .

At this level maybe you leave the lights on sometimes . Maybe you own a black bra (if a woman , as a man that’s a higher level) . Maybe sometimes you do it other places than in bed . Perhaps you’ve sexted a time or two .

Level 2 – Lightly toasted , but noticeable toasted . Butter will melt but not immediately .

This is where the butt comes in . Mild roleplaying . Food play perhaps . Vibrators and dildos maybe , but not the really freaky toys . This is about as far as you’ll see sex portrayed on the TV and in movies , except the butt stuff of course which is the love that shall not be named , unless you’re talking about HBO – it’s not porn it’s HBO . Handcuffs and other low level bondage items – the kind of 50 Shades stuff that “real” BDSM people would sneer at .

Level 3 – Toasted

This is probably where most Fuck Locally Social Sex finder types are , or at least think/want to be . This is where other people start getting involved , threesomes , swinging , sex parties , that sort of thing . Toys that you don’t find the “average” nightstand make an appearance , nipple clamps , butt plugs , shackles , lucha masks , etc. This is the level of car blowjobs (which is very dangerous BTW) and sex in public but not while being observed . In depth roleplaying , things of that nature . This is the level where people of my ilk start saying “whoa , that seems like a lot of effort” . This is where the “real” but “light’ BDSM lives .

Level 4 – Blackened but not burned

This is where things start getting freaky . This is where you have “a scene” . If you’re posting videos of yourself banging this is probably your level . This is where the heavy stuff BDSM wise comes in . One time , IN REAL LIFE , I saw a dude strapped to a thing getting kicked repeatedly in the dick – both people involved in that scenario as this toasted . If you’re ever traveled somewhere for a gathering of like- minded people you’re here .

Level 5 – Burned

Anything goes . So called vanilla sex does nothing for you . Sex in public with people watching , gang-bangs , gloryhole stuff , immersive roleplay , cuckolding , submarines , the spas ace shuttle , etc. At this level when you have to get off things have to be organized in advance – there’s construction involved . It’s a big deal .

On Fire

At this level you’re completely jaded . Things have to get really insane for you to feel aroused . Shark play , wasp play , Jesusing , reincarnate soul sex orgies . Things that don’t even exist need to get involved – space creatures , minotaurs , eldritch beings from beyond space and time . If you can only orgasm by shapeshifting into a bear and getting it on with a dragon on the top of a pyramid this is where you are . If you can only get aroused if the former president of Pakistan is watching you this is where you are . If you have to be in the eye of a hurricane to get hard this is where you are .
From the moment I first saw you I knew I wanted to have sex with you a few times and then ghost you
Posted:Jun 11, 2018 4:59 pm
Last Updated:Jun 12, 2018 6:48 pm

There's lady on here with the username of Polyester . Do you think her name is Ester and she's polyamorous ? Or does she just love synthetic resin ?

Is there anything sadder then when you think to yourself "maybe my phone/network connection/mailbox/whatever isn't working" because you've received no texts or e-mails or messages or tweets or letters or whatever ? Yes .

I think an actual real live lady was just trying to flirt with me on IM , I ruined that in two sentences . I couldn't flirt my way out of a flirting factory with an electrified flirting machine on the flirtingest day of he year . Sometimes I wonder how I've ever gotten laid at all . Then I remember .

I say "bummed" or "bummer" more than most people in regards to being in low spirits . The dumb Australian guy I work with claims that in England and countries like that were bum is used to mean ass saying that you're bummed means you got fucked in the ass . I don't believe him . But it could be true .

As you all know I am an unfeeling monster with a heart that's three sizes too small (which is a serious medical issue) but even I am astounded at the regularity which people approach their romantical life completely practically and dispassionately .

Maybe I've seen too many romantic comedies (two) but I feel like if you really feel something for someone you wouldn't be so cavalier about it . Such as I was talking to an old workmate of mine about how he's feeling like his life is empty and meaningless (which must be true if he's turning to ME for advice) because all he does is drink and chase women and I asked what the deal was because a few months ago he was buying a house with his GF and looking for engagement rings .

What happened was she came to him and said they had to move in together or break up . And he didn't want to move in with her but he also didn't want to break up so they bought a house together . Spoiler alert it didn't work out . That seems crazy to me on both sides . Does coercing your partner ever go well in the long run ? I think the same thing about people who are always checking up on their partner - because if you don't trust them it doesn't really matter if they're cheating on you or not right ? If you think they're capable of that it's not working out is it ?

I don't know if I believe in love but if it does exist it seems like it should be something that you care about enough to make things work . But maybe it only seems like that because I've never been in love , maybe it's no big deal . Maybe other people fall in love dozens of times and it's not something to get all worked up about .

I guess what I'm saying is hang on loosely but don't let go

I watched part of Stripes yesterday because that movie is great , and I wondered , is there a comedy made between 1979 and 1983 that does not have a scene where someone is peeping in a women's shower ?

Speaking of movies Sicario is a great movie to me and I was reverse bummed about there being a sequel but it sequels looks awful .

Sicario seemed like a unique movie to me from a lot of angles - it had a strong veneer of realism , it called into question the US's responsibility for drug violence in Mexico , it had a female lead realistically portrayed in a rough and tumble world of violence , it had a good message about the militarization of the war on drugs , there was a lot of good stuff there .

But the sequel appears to be a straight up clichéd "killer protects little girl" action flick . Boo . Bummer .
He who breaks the law goes back to the house of pain
Posted:Jun 10, 2018 7:42 am
Last Updated:Jun 11, 2018 4:32 pm
I haven't told a grocery shopping story in a while so here you go .

The lady ahead of me in line this morning was telling the teenage cashier (I have no idea if the cashier did something to trigger this or if it was completely unprompted) about how she had fallen madly in love in HS and got married and was with her husband for 25 years , but now they're divorced and she never liked sex before but now she's having a sexual awakening and find out that there's all kinds of men out there and she can have them all ! She's having orgasms and everything .

The cashier was nonplussed .

Which is a strange term because I've never heard anyone described as "plussed" .

Also I wonder what's "everything" in this context . I've always assumed that the orgasm was kind of the ultimate ? Now am I to understand there's another level or levels beyond that that comprise "everything" ?

It never ends with you women .

Speaking of (not really) I've come up with a new kink , it came to me while I was watching Lake Placid VS Anaconda yesterday and wondering what went wrong with my life . It's called shark play . What you do is take your sub or "bait" in this scenario and you order them to take off their clothes and wad into your shark grotto . Now realistically your sharks probably aren't going to bite them but it's scary as hell you know ?

I think Sting was in that movie as a cop . Not the singer , but this guy ;

Like many wrestlers who don't die of a drug overdose he's super into Jesus now . I wonder what it is about becoming mildly famous and semi-rich in an insane profession , getting heavy into drugs and then getting clean that makes people love Jesus . On the plus side no one has accused him of sexual assault .

There's multiple Christian wrestling federations . Multiple .

Also at the grocery store a couple as having a fight and the guy kept saying "What I said was TECHNICALLY true Linda !" When people are trying to pull that bullshit I was wonder if they know what they're doing or if they actually believe that makes a difference . "You asked me if I was sleeping with your sister not if we were having sex Linda !"

What I also wonder is why people so often buy that line of bullshit . I suppose people want to stay together and you just need to give them an excuse .
Last place in the blowjob contest
Posted:Jun 8, 2018 5:33 pm
Last Updated:Jun 15, 2018 5:50 pm

time I ed in a street hockey "league" back in the days when kids went outside . And time this dude was talking all kinds of trash so this other dude says to him he says "You're to talk , your team is in last place !" whereupon he was heard to remark "Your momma is in last place in the blowjob contest !"

Which you have to admit is a well crafted insult .

I feel like your average fellow would say something like "Your momma sucks dick !" which is a pretty standard insult . People definitely don't like it but the reality is as much as you don't (and shouldn't) like to think about it the majority of mommas have probably sucked a few dicks .

But this genius not only said that your momma was the type of very promiuous person that would enter into a blowjob contest in the first place but also that she was no good at it .

It works on so many levels .

That's kind of the feeling I've had lately - I'm in last place in the blowjob contest . I'm upset that I'm in last place but the big picture is that I don't even want to be in this contest !

time I banged this chick who was totally hot . I mean she was like so hot . You don't even know . Think about the hottest chick you can think of and then multiple that by a hundred and then you might begin to understand how hot this chick was .

So after I gave it to her we're lying there in bed and she's smoking of her Benson & Hedges and I say to her "How was it ?" confidently because I KNEW how it was an it was spectacular .

And she took a long drag and she said "Well , you're not gay that's for sure ."

And I go "With the what now ?" because this was a few back when people said "with the what now" and it was cool as fuck .

And she laughed and said "I can't believe you're not gay !"

"What are you talking about ?" I said in a manly mauline voice .

She went on to explain that every at work thought that I was gay even though Nesbit had asked me if I was gay and I told him that I was not - they all felt that I was hiding my gayness , perhaps even from myself . And that's why she asked me out , she wanted to prove I was gay by trying to fuck me .

I smiled proudly "So now you know , I'm a super-virile straight man ."

She rolled over slightly to stub out her cigarette in my Supreme Gold Trim Porcelain Ashtray giving me a glimpse of her perfect sexy hot ass and she said "Yeah well I definitely know you're not gay , you fuck like a straight man ."

She definitely didn't mean it as a compliment . Which is interesting . Because it implies that she , a woman , has had sex with enough gay guys to make a comparison AND that gay men are betting at pleasing women than straight men .

In conclusion remember that episode of Jake and the Fatman where of Jake's buddies who ed him on a drug bust end up dead and Jake and the Fatman think that a contract killer is after them hired by the drug cartel but then they find out that both guys were cheating on their wives to the wives made a pact whereby they would off the other 's husband ? I do .
Normal is what everyone else is and you're not
Posted:Jun 6, 2018 5:24 pm
Last Updated:Jun 8, 2018 5:08 pm

People seem to have a hard time defining what normal is - there you go . You're welcome .

At work we're in the midst of a freak out of significant proportions because the company is going to stop ing for every to have a ph and an iPad and a Mac and a hot spot and etc. etc. and only the people that need them for their job will get them . Of course every is pissed and reaming their heads off . They want their for nothing and their chicks for free .

It reminded me how at my old job at Global Evil Inc every quarter they'd send out their message about the 6 billion in profits (profit NOT revenue) they made last quarter and how this meant there would have be layoffs and we'd be getting less benefits and every needed to tighten their belts and come together because times were tough and they were just barely by . And no ever said anything - they just bit the pillow and took their rewing .

And yet and Tiny Mostly Neutral Local Business #7 which is actually in terrible financial shape and needs every penny they can get and could go out of business tomorrow people are crying their little eyes out about not getting tons of free shit .

I'm sure there's a lesson of some kind in there .

I feel like that's probably how it shakes down overall . The people who are complaining are whiny bitches mostly complaining about nothing . And the people who actually have things they should be complaining about just take it up the ass in silence .

person said to me "If we take away this stuff we're not going to attract the best people !" I thought things , which I wisely (for once) kept to myself .

#1 - We don't have the best people now so that argument doesn't hold water

#2 We don't want the best people . What we want is the cheapest people that will do an okay job . The best people ? You know how much those people want ? It's crazy . We can't afford the best people . And they're super needy . The cheap okay people know their place and keep their cheap okay mouths shut .

Sometimes I feel like people missed the lesson in hool or something because they don't see to understand that the only thing a company is for is to make gobs and gobs of .

Did you know that 3% of the population in the US owns 50% of the guns ? Gun ownership is actually down significantly over the last 50 .

Turns out that the problem is not that there's too many guns , it's that we as a nation are more engaged in our fantasy lives .

These shootings happen here so much more frequently than similar countries not because firearms are so easy to get but because of our national dream over overnight fame . If you believe the expert (which you don't because America has decided it hates people that know things) these killers are not psychotics or paranoid hizophrenics by and large - they're unhappy people with flaws and failures that they blame on others . The system , the elitists , the world . They worry their resentments into sensational fantasies of vengeance and they act out those fantasies because they know that will make people attention to them .

In other news Madeleine Stowe turns 60 in August . She looks fantastic . She's been married for 35 and lives in Texas but you know what ? I feel like I have a shot . I'm going to go for it .

Because I've realized something . The gross basement dwelling monster-men who think they could ore with Kate Upton "if they wanted to" have the right idea . Because if you're going to strike out anyway you might as well swing for the fences right ?

It's like my grandpappy always said , if you're not going to catch a fish you may as well not catch a BIG fish .
You think not telling is the same as not lying , don't you ?
Posted:Jun 4, 2018 5:35 pm
Last Updated:Jun 6, 2018 5:03 pm
Then I guess not feeling is the same as not crying to you

You remember that episode of Mad About You where Paul and Jaime are trying to bang but they have trouble getting in the mood because their window is open and they can hear the couple upstairs loudly talking about what to have for dinner ? Of course you do . As you remember Paul starts in with the dude upstairs and he goes "I'm trying to make love to my wife down here" and the dude retorts "I already made love to your wife !"

Now when he says this a look comes over Jaime's face that could easily be interrupted as outrage over this sleazy comment . But I think if you examine her expression on a deeper level you'll see that it's more along the lines of a look of shock and betrayal . Betrayal of a secret . I submit to you that all along Jaime and the guy in the apartment above them were having an affair and that what seemed like a toss away insult was actually the god's honest truth .

It's called baddering - where you find the husband/boyfriend/whatever of the girl you're banging on the sly and then provoke them into some kind of verbal tit for tat where you then say "Yeah well I fucked your wife !" and the dude thinks you're just being a jerk when really you're revealing the whole thing . Some people really get off that kind of sick shit .

When I was driving home the other day I saw a VERY pregnant lady standing in front of the fire station in a bikini talking to three firemen . After I finished jerking off and started driving again I started to wonder what was going on there . What were they talking about ? She didn't even have shoes on . The closest house is at least a few blocks away , what would prompt a heavily pregnant woman to walk barefoot to the fire station ? It seemed like a calm conversation . That one's going to bother me for a long time . What could it have been about ?

On the (sadly series) finale of Hap and Leonard a lady took off her heels and ran through the streets of town . She was running for her life so I get that , but man that would have to tear up your feet something bad .

I got a call at work today from one of the supervisors at my old job asking me if I had seen a dude I used to work with because he hadn't shown up for work , wasn't answering his phone , etc. etc. I have kept in touch with a few of my former co-workers so one of them must have given him my number - which means he was worried enough to specifically ask If anyone had my number . What I don't understand is that his dude he was asking about we weren't pals or anything - all I ever did was complain about what a lazy arrogant prick he was on account of he was a lazy arrogant prick .

I mean maybe I'm the one with a problem but his goal in life was coach HS girl's softball . That just doesn't seem right .

So why would anyone go to all this trouble to call me to ask if I had seen him when he was missing ? There is NO reason I would have any idea where he was . Or that I would care . I can only surmise he was calling because he thought maybe I had done something to him and what's why he wasn't there .

I haven't really made any work friends at my "new" job partially because of who I am but also partially because it's just not that kind of place . People there just don't interact with each other . Maybe it's because I'm in IT now . Anyway , there is one lady in finance that I work with a lot and am mildly friendly with (everyone else in finance hates her so I'm the best option she has) and she was talking today about how it's her husband's birthday and she was looking forward to it and kind of not looking forward to it . I asked her why and after a LOT of beating around the bush I realized she was implying that she and her husband only have sex on his birthday and that's what she wasn't pumped about .

And it made me think once again how different the work environment is . At my old job that would have been 4-6 women standing right outside my office loudly and graphically describing sex with their husbands and how awful it is - there would have been ALL kinds of blowjob talk that's for sure .

My sisters are badgering me to go on the family vacation this year and they were talking about some activity and I said I wasn't interested and they go "How can you not be interested , (place name) is FAMOUS for that !"

Famous doesn't mean good . Richard Jewell is famous for being the Olympic Park bomber even though he isn't . I doubt he thinks that's good .

I assumed that Richard Jewell was guilty because the media said he was (and I was 18 at the time) but I did feel sorry for him because of the sheer glee with which said media reported that they found porn in his house when they searched it . They went on and on about it - this guy has porn , what a fucking loser ! He's clearly the bomber because that's what gross porn people do because they can't get any action . That may have been because I just started watching porn .

Here's how that went down , it was a few weeks before school started and I was sitting in my magnificent trailer park home and I thought "Well I'm 18 and on my own now , what can I do that I couldn't do before ?" And the answer was porn . How much different would my life be if I hadn't ever thought that ? Not very probably . Except I wouldn't have committed all those bombings .

I started watching Snatched last night . My new thing is watching movies in short segments . Anyway I've seen Amy Schumer's nipple now . And it shocked me in a way I didn't think I could be shocked anymore .

I'm not exactly sure why but I think maybe it's because I see her a real person . Like if I see ScarJo fully nude in some weird horror movie from before she was super famous that's no big deal because she's not really a human being you know ? She's a famous sexy lady - I can't relate to her as normal person because she's not . She's a rich famous person she's nothing like us scum . But someone like Amy Schumer is more normal .

Does that make sense ?

I had kind of the same feeling about Chelsea Handler but that wasn't quite the same .

Remember when Amy Schumer was banging the wrestler Dolph Ziggler ? I do .

I have frog written down on my blog pad for some reason . I wonder what that was supposed to remind me of . Probably not this

It's hard to sleep in when it's full daylight at 6 AM
Posted:Jun 3, 2018 7:02 am
Last Updated:Jun 4, 2018 4:57 pm
I keep thinking someday I should get new curtains that will block out more light . But as we learned from CCR someday never comes .

I've already worked out , got groceries , checked the sex offender registry and set my line up for the live deathclaw fights on Tuesday night at the Crate . What am I supposed to do with the rest of my day ?

Let's see what orphaned pictures I have in my folder for things I was going to blog about and forgot .

This is a picture of an Australia model that I got for a post I was going to do about the Ashley Madison hack . But I decided no one would give a shit about that . The story with her is that the dude that executed said hack claimed on twitter that he was married to her which is incorrect because she's not married to anyone and isn't into dudes . If you can't trust the Ashley Madison hacker who can you trust ?

I still can't believe that site came from Canada . Canada ! Although I think I did find out one time more people in Canada cheat on their spouses than in the US .

Just goes to show , you know , whatever .

I got an alert from my identity protection service the other day that my name had come up in court records as being found guilty of a misdemeanor in 1995 . I don't recall ever being arrested let alone convicted of anything - particularly when I was 17 . I called the police department and the clerk of courts and various other places and found out exactly nothing . Not sure how much I should care about that .

I think you can be charged with a misdemeanor for speeding if the cop wants to be a jerk about it but the only speeding ticket I ever got was when I was 16 and I was heading to CA with my buddy Sweatshirt . We were driving in Nevada which at the time had a speed limit of "reasonable and proper" during the day but what I didn't know is that at night it was 75 . Although what's the legal definition of night you know ?

I wonder how many people in Nevada are on Ashley Madison .

Part of what "they" learned after the AM hack is that they had 70,000 bots on that site sending dudes messages . I wonder how Fuck Locally Social Sex finder stacks up in that regard . You don't want there to be a botgap .

There's a commercial I keep seeing for some Amazon Echo type thing where an old lady is sad because her family doesn't hang out with her more so they give her an thing where she can say "Alexa call home" and then it will video call them .

So I got to thinking what would be a good product for seniors is a chatbot type thing what will masquerade as their family and talk to them . Because realistically when's the last conversation you had with your grandma that couldn't be had by a chatbot ?

I've mentioned this several people and they've all been OUTRAGED . I really don't understand why . Why is "the truth" - which in this case is that nobody really wants to hang out with grandma - more important than happiness ? I get that it's horrible that people turn their backs on their family and would rather binge watch season 4 of Grey's Anatomy than talk to their grandma for 12 minutes on the phone but that's the way it is - why is it wrong to mitigate that fact ?

I rarely understand where people are coming from .

I was talking with my buddy Mathmagician this morning and he's going to start therapy because of his ager and drinking issues and he asked me about my experience with therapy and eventually we turned to the idea of taking "happy pills" and he asked me if I would take them and I said that I would not and he asked me why .

And I didn't really have a good reason . He said "Is it because you don't need them ?" but what does that really mean ? No one needs happiness , it's just nice to have you know ? I don't need to watch porn and jerk off but I still do it . Yet I don't need to take Zoloft and I don't do it . What's the difference ? Also it's largely questionable if jerking off makes me happy . Sometimes I wonder if it's just a thing I do .

Remember Zoloft the Rock & Roll Destroyer ? I do . They were defeated in the 2006 Mountain Dew Circuit Breakout challenge Halifax - the band , not the city .

Maybe I can get a job working for Mountain Dew - selling sugar to fatties seems less evil than most jobs I could get . Looks like all they have in the area is driving a forklift at night . That probably doesn't pay so good . My dreams were destroyed before they began .

BTW my company has been looking for a CFO the entire time I've worked there . Really it's a chief actuarial position . If you're interested and you're a lady please send me several nude pictures with your phone number and home address .

I was thinking , the people that colonized the US probably didn't fight harpies - but you can't prove that they didn't .
There's no trick to it , it's just a simple trick
Posted:Jun 2, 2018 11:05 am
Last Updated:Jun 3, 2018 6:32 am

I'd like to be someone who decides to be nice , heroic , caring , loving and/or compassionate for the same reasons the nihilist decides to be a pessimist social Darwinist omnicidal maniac .

I'd like my doctrine to be something along the lines of "Don't cling to pain . Don't expect happiness . Don't fear loss . Accept reality as it is . Enjoy the good . Endure the bad . Don't make a big deal out of anything . Be selfless and unconditionally kind and just , without ever expecting a reward . We're all going to end up as piles of dust , so why not be nice to each other and get those pleasant feelings ?"

Instead of angsting all the time about "Life is short , we're all gonna die and you can't stop it forever , thus we might as well start killing each other right now" I'd like to think more like "Life is short , we're all gonna die and you can't stop it forever so why not make each others' lives worthwhile and enjoyable ? The only thing that matters is letting people know that you care about them , because whatever someone is , has , or can do doesn't mean a damned thing in the end ."

I'd like to be someone who knows how cynical the world is and decides to stick to a particular value and make meaning out of it, because they know how utterly meaningless , pointless and unrewarding life is if you don't .

I'd like to adhere to a utilitarian morality to work for happiness , maybe even border on self-made blue and orange morality .
Cool your tits numb nuts
Posted:May 30, 2018 7:55 pm
Last Updated:Jun 1, 2018 6:38 pm
I flipped past Big Bang on the TV the other day and I saw this

And I was enraged because Smurfette doesn't wear a red dress - she wears a white dress . What kind of bullshit are they trying to pull here ? Also why is she wearing a blonde wig when she has blonde hair ? This whole thing makes no sense . Whoever wrote this episode needs to answer for what they've done .

Numb nuts is a strange insult . What's it supposed to mean ? As far as I know there's only two reasons for testicular numbness . One of them is having TONS and TONS and TONS of super hot sex - so much so that your sack goes numb from all the meat slapping . And accusing a man of having too much sex isn't an insult . For a woman it's a different story obviously but they don't have balls . Usually .

The other reason is testicular torsion which is just what it sounds like and has to be one of the worst things ever . But if you call someone numb nuts you're saying they already have it right ? Which I guess is an insult ? I mean saying to someone "you have cancer" is an insult of sorts but it's not as bad as telling someone you hope they get cancer right ? So really you shouldn't call someone numb nuts you should say "I hope you get numb nuts pal , and NOT from fucking !"

Numbskull is also strange because your skull has no sense of feeling right ? There's no nerves in bones right ? You wouldn't call someone numbfemur would you ? Even if you did what would it mean ? Your scalp can be numb but scalps and skulls are different . At least until the Republicans have their way .

I went to the dentist yesterday and two things happened . Well lots of things happened but two that I'm going to mention .

One was that while the hygienist was stabbing inside my mouth with that sharp hook they love she looked at something in the hallways and did not stop scraping . I found this disconcerting . I realize intellectually that she's probably done this literally tens of thousands of times and could probably do it without looking but when you have a sharp piece of metal in my face could you at least pretend to be paying attention of my benefit ?

I know it's not likely but if the dentist cuts your mouth that can lead to DEATH via heart infection . It happens .

The other thing that happened was the dentist complimented me on my flossing . Which I don't ever happens , but was especially weird because I don't floss regularly . I wonder if my low-sugar diet is also good my teeth . Maybe less sugar is as good as flossing ? That would be a nice bonus .

And I'm not a moron , I know that sugar is bad for your teeth , but everything I read seems to say that artificial sweeteners (which I ingest by the fuckton) are almost just as bad .

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