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A special message from Fuck Locally Social Sex finder
Posted:Mar 19, 2018 3:55 pm
Last Updated:Mar 19, 2018 4:53 pm
You are not a scared lonely chump with dreary domestic responsibilities and a crappy job .

You are masculine and sophisticated and witty and suave and well dressed and cool .

You have impeccable taste and you live in a fun country full of eager women ready to have no-strings sex with you at your leisure .

If you were a planet would you join the Federation ?
Posted:Mar 18, 2018 11:05 am
Last Updated:Mar 19, 2018 3:56 pm
It doesn't seem like a great deal . Despite claiming not to be a military organization (despite their naval trappings) the Federation seems to get into a war every 2-3 years so you're getting dragged into that . Plus then there's all these rules you have to follow about non-interference that surely put you at a disadvantage compared to non-Federation planets . It seems like you at least partially give up your sovereignty (despite them also claiming not to be a government) And what do you get out of the deal ? Access to scientific data maybe ? Starfleet membership is definitely presented as something people want but getting down to brass tacks what's the benefit ? I can only assume that the Federation level of technology is superior to the galactic norm and that's how people get access to transporters and replicators and shit like that . Otherwise it makes no sense .

Also why we're on the subject if you were a planet what kind of lifeforms would live on you ? Would you spin retrograde or pro-grade ? What would you atmosphere be made of primarily ? How close would be to your star ? And if your core stopped spinning would you want the team of Eckhart , Swank , Lindo & Tucci to save you or would you choose another team ?

In other news I realized the other day that we have a president that has sex with porn stars and wants a space army and I still don't like him . That's a bitter pill to swallow .

Many years ago I started shopping primarily online to avoid any chance of human interaction but in recent years I've realized that any time I try to shop IRL I am disappointed 100% of the time . I'm not sure why I'm supposed to support local businesses anyway but even if I understood it here's what I know - local businesses stink .

First of all 50% of the time they're closed even though you go there at the time they told you when you called the day before they would be open . So there's 45 minutes of wasted time in the car . So then you call them again and they answer and you're like "Are you open" and they say yes and you ask why they weren't open early and they say something insane like "Oh , Dave got his hand stuck in a vase ?"

So then you manage to actually find one of these yahoos that bothered to open their business for once and you look around and you're like "Uh do you have a Husvarna fuel filter ?" and they say they don't and you go "You don't even need to check ?" and they say they don't have any lawn mower parts and you say "Isn't tis a lawn mower parts store ?" And they agree that it is but their distributor didn't show up last month so they've got nothing left and you ask them what all the shit is on their shelves and they say it's stuff from the vape shop next door that they're storing - see they made a deal with Skiffle the guy that runs the vape shop to hold that stuff for him due to some tax issues in return for 37 Hungry Man frozen dinners . And then they tell you they're going to be getting some more stuff in next September . Probably . Maybe .

And then if you do manage to find a local store that's both open and actually has stuff their selection is garbage and their prices are insane .

I say this to you as a former small business owner , small businesses are for losers - it's Amazon or nothing from here on out . If it's not on Amazon you don't need it .

I mean sure in a few years once Amazon is ascendant they'll jack up the prices and plow us all in the ass just like the Federation did to the colonists in what became the DMZ with Cardassia in 2367 but it's a small price to pay you know ?
Paladins can't use the helm of disintegration !
Posted:Mar 17, 2018 2:20 pm
Last Updated:Mar 19, 2018 3:56 pm

When I initially joined Fuck Locally Social Sex finder back in the 90s the first few times I was interacting with a lady I had similar experiences . I would mention that I wasn't very experienced and they would say something along the lines of "Oh you don't need a sex partner you need a teacher" which I always found moderately off-putting . Now , lo these many years later , I understand that that's like a shtick people do around here but at the time examining it without the lenses of Fuck Locally Social Sex finder behavior it struck me as patronizing and boastful . I've never tried to date men (yet) so maybe it's the same thing (or worse) but there's a significant minority of women who present themselves as being the final authority on all things sexual . Not a fan .

Back in these days before I started blogging I had the tendency to play things pretty close to the vest (chest ? ) . Now obviously I vomit up all the stupid details of my boring life all the time but back then it was rare that I would interact with someone enough to really open up . But when I did in those early days I would usually run afoul of another sexy trap .

They'd ask me what I liked to do for fun (boring question BTW) and I'd saying that I was into roleplaying and they'd get SUPER excited for a moment before I remembered what that meant to Fuck Locally Social Sex finder type people and explain that I meant like Dungeons and Dragons not schoolmarm bedroom hijinks .

Which was a double kick the pussy for them because not only was I not into the (mildly) freaky sex thing they want to do but also they found out I was a nerd . It was like that that time I went to the mall to meet Lorenzo Lamas and not only was he not there as promised Stephanie Milligan kicked me in the kick from behind because she thought I was Michael Birch and then when she realized she had ball-kicked the wrong person she didn't even apologize .

Anyway , I've been asked to participate in roleplaying (the sexy kind) and I've never been able to do it because it seems so silly to me . And I'm the kind of jerk who won't do stuff they're not into which is why I'm still single . It's not really that big of a deal right ? I should just go along with it because it's a miracle I'm getting laid in the first place .

Remember that episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where Debra wanted to spice things up in the bedroom with roleplaying ? Of course not . The punchline is when the titular Raymond was all into it she said that the problem was after the roleplaying was over the sex was the same - IE lame . Seems like that's how it would go down to me . Although that would be funny if a woman was like "Okay let's roleplay , you be a guy who's into foreplay and isn't a premature ejaculator and I'll just be me ." Classic .

Also you know what would be funny ? These couples want to swing and couple B is super pumped , but then couple A wants to roleplay and it turns into a terrible improv session . And then the tagline to the whole thing is couple B taking an improv class so they can score .

Don't get me wrong , if I had a Superman costume I would totally wear it to bang but I wouldn't be pretending I was Superman or the lady with whom I was smashing was Maxima - I'd just be wearing an awesome costume while I was getting it on .

Are people really into roleplay or is it more of a thing you do just for giggles ?

Cosmo says you should have some roleplay ideas ready to go at a moment's notice . But thankfully for us all they have some suggestions ;

Boss/employee - I like this one because I assume you both just start fighting about who gets to be the boss and you end up not having sex at all . They suggest doing it on a desk for extra realism .

Master/Mistress and Maid/Butler - Technically this is the same thing as above . Get your shit together Cosmo . I'm starting to see a pattern here , roleplay means one person is in charge of the other and abusing their power . That's cool right ?

Inappropriate masseuse - Is this roleplaying ? I guess if you pretend like it was just supposed to be a massage it is .

Sexy alien - This one is fantastic . Cosmo suggests that one of your pretend to be from another planet and not know anything about human sexuality so they other one has to explain everything to them - like what a penis is and why it gets hard . That sounds 100% anti-sexy and I suggest everyone try it immediately .

Total strangers - Aren't we all really strangers when you think about it ? Also I liked the movie the Strangers , but should I see the sequel ? I mean it's going to be the same dang thing .

Doctor/patient - I guess I should have stolen that gown from the doctor's office to sex funtimes .

Rural rompers - This is just pretending your countryfolk I guess ? Cosmo isn't really clear on this one . I guess if you really are countryfolk you're out of luck .

Cherry-popping - Pretending you're a virgin ? My initial thought was "ick" but if you don't pretend you're younger I'm all for it . Because then you need to come up with a backstory as to why you're a virgin at such an advanced age . Mine is that shark bit my testicles off and I just got a testicle transplant . SEX-Y !!!

Yoga teacher - Don't we all dream of being felt up by a yoga teacher ?

King and queen - I assume this means you put on Burger King crowns before you do it . Approved .

Oh Cosmo , you're an endless supply of sexual advice to mock . I thank you .
What . The . Hell ???
Posted:Mar 15, 2018 1:39 pm
Last Updated:Mar 17, 2018 1:28 pm
One time there was this guy called Ryback . He was a professional wrestler , not a very good one but hey he was in the WWE for a while so that's more than I ever did . Sidenote by most accounts he's a bit of a jerkass IRL . He (like most of Americans) had a podcast that he did with another wrestler named Pat Buck . He's a pretty good wrestler but he never "made it" he more known (amongst people who know such things) as being a guy who trains guys who become famous . They had some sort of falling out and Pat left to start his OWN podcast . No big deal . But check this shit out , the new co-host of Ryback's podcast ? Phoenix Marie .

You know (probably not) the porn star . A wrestler and a porn actress having a podcast probably doesn't seem that strange to normos - they're both fringe forms of entertainment for flabby delusion losers - but I found this out this morning and I still can't wrap my head around it .

This makes about as much sense to me as if Katy Perry and I had a podcast (sidenote would you listen to that ? ) .

Ryback in addition to being not a good wrestler in the ring was a notoriously terrible promo (aka talking) and based on what I've heard from most porn stars (generalization I know) I doubt Phoenix Marie is an enthralling raconteur . This podcast sounds like a trainwreck to me . What do they even talk about ? Let's check out the description of their latest "pod" , which BTW is 2 DAMN hours long !

"Let’s go to Disney Land. Movie Day! Cat Attack Prank? The Arnold Soundboard. Remember Pogs? Remember Beanie Babies? Meaningless Powerbombs. Moves are getting whored out so bad in wrestling. Nobody kicks out of the Shell Shock. Once you’re done, you’re done. Buying Followers. Legalize Prostitution? What are Phoenix’s 2 favorite words."

Exactly as insane as I expected . I don't know if I want to listen to this but I also think I won't be able to resist . I know literally NO ONE else in the entire world cares but this has thrown me for a loop de loop .

I tell you this , I'm not one of those guys who has a favorite porn star but on the rare occasion I look for someone specifically it is Phoenix Marie . For two reasons . First she keeps a good patter going - she's got things to say , it's not the usual "oh , oh , oh , fuck , oh , oh , it's so big" shit that drives me insane . And second she's not one of those snooty bigshot porn stars who thinks they're too good to do mildly kinky stuff . She'll peg , she'll be gang banged by transsexuals , she'll get a little weird - but not TOO weird .

Sometimes when a person asks another person who's going to have a baby if they "want a boy or a girl" the person will respond with "Oh we don't care as long as it's healthy" . This implies that if the baby isn't healthy they DO care . Otherwise they'd just say they don't care right ? Keep that in mind .

I went for my yearly physical the other day and the doctor commented that my two moles on my chest are like "extra nipples" . Which is funny but I didn't care for it since I hate my moles . Now as we all know from The Man With the Golden Gun and Mallrats having a third nipple gives you superpowers so what does a fourth nipple do ? Does it cancel out the super powers ? Or double super powers ?

Also now that I'm forty I got to have my prostate checked . I know you can't compare a medical exam to sexy funtime but I'm going to anyway . A finger up the ass during a blowjob ? Approved . A finger WAY up your ass to check around ? Less appealing . I think any idea that I might enjoy pegging has been dispelled . That lubricant they use is pretty slick (pun) though . I wonder if you can get that commercially .

Also whenever I'm at the office in that stupid gown I remember it's not for me , it's for the staff .

The following are the names of wrestlers ;

Austin Aries
Taurus Tony
The Gemini (two dudes)
The Mighty Leo
Scorpio Sky
Sage Sagittarius

And Lucha Libra is a type of wrestling .

The point is some people need to finish out the wrestling zodiac . My suggestions for names ;

Virgo the Destroyer
Jimmy "the Crab" Hammer (I don't think even a heel wants cancer in their name)
Captain I Corn
Aquarius Jones the King of Atlantis
Pirate "Pisces" Ballyhoo

Please welcome my new sponsor Woodbury Soap
Posted:Mar 14, 2018 5:43 pm
Last Updated:Mar 15, 2018 12:51 pm
They really knew how to sell soap in the 30's I tell you what

As far as I can tell their entire ad campaign was "naked lady in sun" .

I found out that any time I kiss a lady I put my lip above hers . This means I am one of those alpha male jerks you're always hearing about . Doesn't seem to track really but facts are facts .

Seems like you wouldn't want your lip above my lip because then you'd be kissing facial hair but what do I know ? Point is out of respect I shall never kiss again .

In 1935 a NY newspaper , the Sun , reported a story about Dr. Andrew Grant discovering life on the moon from a fancy new observatory in South Africa . Said life was buffalo and tiny horses and tailess beavers (isn't that a woodchuck ? ) and the like but also unicorns and sentient humanoid bat-men and women that built temples .

A couple people were like "uh , what ?" but in general people were pretty pumped about it . I mean bat-monsters on the moon ? What's not to like ? The paper never printed a retraction but the story was eventually proven to be bogus . A few years later a poll was conducted in which more people in NY still believed in the lunar bat-people than in the principal theories of physics . Don't get me wrong most people didn't believe in either I'm not saying a lot of people still thought humanoid lifeforms lived on the moon but more than believed in Newton's second law .

Point is I totally went to the moon last night and hooked up with tons of moon ladies .
Open the kimono ?
Posted:Mar 13, 2018 4:41 pm
Last Updated:Mar 18, 2018 10:40 am
I was in a meeting today talking about a potential vendor and the dude leading the meeting said that the vendor needed to "open the kimono" and I had to stop the meeting because what the hell ?

"Did you just say 'open the kimono' ?" I asked .

He said that he had and further went on to say that it was a "normal" expression that people used "all" the time . I said that I had never heard of that in my life .

"So what you're saying is that these people should show us everything in the same way that a Japanese woman exposes her naked body ?"

And somehow I'm the asshole ?

If the internet is to be believed this was an expression from the early 90s but I have never heard it . I'm not one of "those" people who get offended by things but seriously what the fuck ? That's like one stepped removed from saying "We need these fuckers to put their tits on the glass you know ?" And I feel like these days we need to be at least 6 steps removed from that .

As long as I'm boring you with work here's the position I'm in . I can keep working for a neutral company (not sure there's any such thing as a good company) where I basically do nothing and am a parasite OR I can go back to work for Evil Megacorp #6 and be good at my job . I've never been a huge failure at work before (except when I worked at Hollywood Video in college but that was different) and it's really stressing me out . Much more than working for soulless corporate overlords .

I don't feel good about it but it's true .

I'm sure if anyone commented on this blog someone might say "just be good at the neutral job" . I've tried , I can't , I'm too dumb .

In the ads for Atlanta (the show not the city) there's a choir singing the song "No Type" and I love it . But I can't find it anywhere other than a clip of that commercial . Anyone who can find that sound file for me I will reward you with an Amazon Echo Dot .

In the early 1900s during the Woman's Suffrage movement in England the suffrage women got tired of the police grabbing their titties all the time while "arresting" them so they went and learned jujutsu from Edith Margaret Garrud to try and avoid further titty grabbing . Also one time they wailed on the cops with flower bouquets that were wrapped in barbed wire .

I bring this up because TLW asked me if I was a policeman in 1913 London if I would be grabbing titties and I said "yeah , probably" and she vehemently disagreed . So I says to her I says "If I was born 100 years ago in a different place there's no reason to believe I would be anything like I am now" .

Although statistically if I was born in late 1800s London I would have died before I got old enough to become a policeman anyway . So , you know .
Times are tough Roxanne I think we need to put on the red light
Posted:Mar 12, 2018 9:14 am
Last Updated:Mar 13, 2018 4:16 pm

Word of the day - Cyranoid ; "people who do not speak thoughts originating in their own central nervous system: Rather, the words they speak originate in the mind of another person who transmits these words to the cyranoid by radio transmission"

I assume it doesn't have to be by radio transmission though .

I had a dream last night that I was at the World Famous Restaurant in San Diego California and Elijah Wood came over and started talking to me . After a while I realized "this guy wants to get it" . Obviously I wasn't interested because I am not interested in men sexually (or most other ways honestly) but obviously I was interested because I am widely known as an inveterate starfucker and rightly so . He could tell I was reluctant and was trying to convince me for a long time until he asked if I would be more comfortable with a three-way scenario .

Now we're talking .

I asked him who he had in mind and he said Kevin Hart . And I freaked out because I assumed the "third" was going to be a woman . And then he freaked out because the idea of being with a woman sickened him . I says to him I says "Elijah use your head if I was uncomfortable with the idea of homosexual sex how is bringing in another MAN going to put me at ease ?" Then I knocked on his head like Biff did to Marty's dad in Back to the Future .

Anyway we couldn't come to terms but he told his bodyguards to give me a ride home . So I get in the back of his towncar and a very sad looking Kevin Hart was sitting in there . For a long time we sat there awkwardly and finally I said that there wasn't going to be a threeway and be looked super relieved . He said "I got you thank you man I was not looking forward to that" and I asked him what the deal was and he said that Elijah Wood more or less controlled Hollywood and that he had to stay on his good side any way he could .

The two bodyguards up front heard us talking about this and they got mad and stopped and threw me out of the car . I started walking back to my hotel and I saw Katie Holmes working the street corner and I said "Katie Holmes what are you doing ? Are you researching a role ?" And she said that he had made Elijah Wood angry and her punishment was she had to prostitute herself until she made $30,000 .

Explain that people who think dreams have meaning .

"Now I see the funny side , now I'm always smiling ."

A while back it was announced that Martin Scorsese was going to be doing a Joker origin movie and like a lot of people I was like “huh” . People like to get all crazy with analyzing movies before they ever even start production which is silly because it’s 100% a crapshoot if a movie is any good . However here’s my pitch on how it could be a good movie .

Back in ‘83 Scorsese did a movie called the King of Comedy which is fantastic but most people don’t seem to know about . This movie pretty much already is an origin story for the Joker .

The King of Comedy centers around Rupert Pupkin (sidenote Rupert Pumpkin would by my porn name) a loser who dreams of being a famous comedian . Rupert is not your stereotypical movie lovable oaf or good-hearted sad sack fella who is down on his luck . Rupert Pupkin is deranged . He fantasizes about his stardom in ways that are unsettling . His apartment features a giant picture of an audience that he plays to and he’s got a mockup of a talk show and celebrities that he uses to act out his fantasy .

Rupert gets a chance to meet his idol , talk show host and comedian Jerry Langford . After a chance encounter Rupert starts hounding Jerry’s studio for a spot on his show . He gets repeatedly shut down and Rupert goes to even more extreme lengths to get Jerry’s attention . Eventually , Rupert’s ambition causes him to take drastic measures that endanger Jerry’s life .

The King of Comedy is a deranged and sobering examination of our obsession with fame and notoriety and a cautionary tale about the kinds of rewards and adulations we shower on celebrities . And this came out 35 years ago folks .

The whole deal with the Joker is that is origin is unknown and he lies about it all the time , but the one that seems to have a glimmer of truth in it is that he’s a failed stand-up that had disturbing , difficult , and unpleasant experiences in life .

If you’re going to center a story around the Joke r, you have to have at least a sliver of sympathy for the character without betraying the horrific being he becomes . And that’s Rupert Pupkin . As terrifying and uncomfortable a character as Rupert is , there is still something unflinchingly human and understandable about his delusion . Rupert is a despicable person by the film’s end but you don’t hate him as much as you feel sorry for him (as much as you might also be afraid of him) . And that’s certainly what the Joker will need to be as well .

The King of Comedy would be very good inspiration for a Joker movie because of the kind of film The King of Comedy is . It is a straightforward character piece that isn’t interested in a lot of high concept , flashy filmmaking . It’s grounded and focused on developing its lead into a compelling and unnerving character .

It would be great to see an origin film for the Joker that doesn’t hang on typical blockbuster tropes . Let us sit with the character and really dive deep into his psyche . Make us afraid of the Joker again but not because he’s going to poison Gotham City’s water supply . Make him scary because of the things he finds funny . And exactly how far he’ll go to get a laugh .
Posted:Mar 11, 2018 7:15 am
Last Updated:Mar 12, 2018 8:57 am

It's been pointed out before that none of the CGI "women" in those advertisements Fuck Locally Social Sex finder (*Hookup, Find Sex or Meet Someone Hot Now) shoots at you like to much unwanted semen seem to be very happy . The people commenting on this were speculating that these games were promoting unhealthy sexual fantasies - you know the kind I mean . And perhaps they are in other ways but I think by making these 3D robo-women look downcast for their simo-fucking it's actually a very subtle attempt by the game manufacturers to change male behavior towards female sexuality .

You see you're "playing" this game (and ostensibly coming twice in 5 minutes) and you see a dude or a monster or a robot or whatever pounding away on this lady and she's not into it and subconsciously the message you're receiving is that women don't enjoy just slamming away at their bits . And so the seed is planted to one day blossom into a more caring sexual persona .

I mean someone else needs to make men care about if women like it but they're doing what they can you know ? It's only a video game .

If you have a fetish of some kind , let's say for being humiliated , and you're not getting any of that sweet , sweet humiliation so what you do is you find someone you know is a hothead and you screw something up on purpose so they'll scream at you in front of everyone and you can get off on it is that sexual assault ?
Romancing the cuck
Posted:Mar 10, 2018 5:27 pm
Last Updated:Mar 11, 2018 7:17 am
I am wrong or is cuckold an old timey turn that has been dusted of recently ? I suppose that's one good thing , as we become more perverted as a culture more words will come back into vogue ?

Can you be cuckolded by a woman or is only when your wife bangs a dude ? When my ex-wife Ruby slept with her college roommate Stephanie was I cuckolded ? If it has to be a man how does it work with transgender scenarios ? I suppose penis = cuckolding maybe . What if your wife has sex with another woman who's using a strap on does that count ?

Can a woman be cuckolded or is there a different term for a wife who's husband is unfaithful ?

No there isn't because that's standard for a wife (rimshot) .

Every once in a while I hear the dude doing the cuckolding referred to a "bull" which doesn't make sense because the cuck is the one "wearing the horns" . Which in any case is a reference to stags not bulls .

I was watching Planet Earth 2 (the electric boogaloo) and a horse showed up at the desert watering hole with his mares but there was already a stallion whole controlled that hole (phrasing) with his mares . But the new horse kicked his ass and chased him away and got the watering hole and all the mares .

Was that other horse a cuck ? I suppose not I doubt those horsies were married in the eyes of almighty God . If he was an he was wearing the horns would he be a bull horse or a stag horse ? Or a bull-horse-stag ? Can we throw some porcupine in there ?

I think the best mammal you could make mix-in-matching mammals is a bear with porcupine quills and a glyptadon tail and a tiger head . And it would be called the Hungamongabeast .

Can a man be cucked by a horse ?

Remember that time my ex-wife Ruby sprained her wrist jerking off a horse ? I do . And it wasn't sexual you perverts she worked on a horse breeding ranch and the machine that jerks off horses broke .

Apparently a woman that likes cuckolding her husband is a cuckoldress which I don't like because that should be the dress you wear to do cuckolding .

I miss sugar

But on the plus side they just came out with Mt Dew Kickstart Ultra which has no sugar and is pretty good . I need to find a better supply though , anywhere I go only seems to have a couple cans .
Tactical Interceptor Team Squad
Posted:Mar 7, 2018 5:05 pm
Last Updated:Mar 10, 2018 5:09 pm
Twitter is going crazy right now because someone put up a poll "Who can get it ?" and it was Kirk against Riker . And Riker won handily , 70% to 30% . Which is shocking . Riker was really only a hound-dog in the first season , after that he was mooning over Troi most of the time . Or falling in love with genderless aliens or holograms or whatever the fuck .

But I think it kind of makes sense as blasphemous as it may seem . Riker was more of an affable Lothario , he was just kind of down for whatever . If you wanted to bang great , if not that's great too . Whereas Kirk was more aggressive . Kirk is kind of like the old James Bond (but not nearly as bad) when viewed through modern eyes you're a little creeped out . Like if Kirk wanted to fuck he was going to get it you know ?

I don't think there's any argument though that Riker would be the better wingman .

Also check this shit out , I feel like Star Trek implied that Vulcans only hump once ever 7 years during the Pon Farh as part of their whole controlling their emotions thing . But it's not the case at all . Pon Farh is when they HAVE to bang to keep their race going but the rest of the time they sex it up all they want .

If something is great we say it's "the tits" .

When something is cratering on us hard we say it's going "tits up" .

When someone is totally horking the porpoise we say "cool your tits" .

How can we reconcile this ? I mean obviously everyone loves tits as we learned from that episode of Mythbusters where Kari strapped on the giant fake boobs and worked as a barista . I'd still like an explanation of that , why do straight women treat boobarella so much better than flatty mcFlaterson ? Actually I've just solved it , if you're a flat chested woman you look more like a man and women hate men , ipso facto .

The point is that tits up for sure sounds like a good thing . I mean tits down ? That either means sagging and or like down against the ground - neither of which sounds great . So what's the origin of something going "tits up" ?

The answer , as it often does , comes from the British Royal Air Force . It seems that back in the day when your altitude indicators went all wonky on you they would turn upside down , thereby displaying an inverted 'W' resembling a pair of breasts ( you know if you're in the armed forces and you haven't seen real tits for a while) . Which lead to the "technical term" TITSUP : Total Inability To Support Usual Performance .

You may be saying to yourself isn't an inverted "W" an "M" ? No , not it is not .

My dick went tits up for a minute this weekend but then it normalized .

Remember that time on Star Trek they said "you know what was great ? When the chicks wore miniskirts ?" and then someone else said "we can't do that it's sexist" and they were decided it was fine as long as they made the dude's wear skirts also ?

I do

Speaking of my dick Monday night as I was getting ready for bed I had an inexplicable erection . Normally I'm content to ignore unsolicited hard-ons (when's the last time anyone said hard on ? I have such a hard on for you baby . Sounds awful ) but I decided this time why not indulge it ? I didn't have to work the next day so why not take a little time for myself ? I had turned off my PC and I didn't want to mess with turning it back on so I went OLD school and got out one of the porn DVDs I think about throwing away all the time .

Eventually though I forgot all about masturbating because the blowjob sequence went on seemingly forever . "Mainstream" porn usually has a pretty standard cadence - 3 seconds of kissing (or tongue mashing really) a couple minutes of dick sucking (very occasionally some lady oral) and then a bunch of mechanical jackhammering action followed by cum on face . So after five minutes of blowing and no end in sight I forgot about my junk and became intrigued on how long this was going to go on . The answer ? TWENTY TWO MINUTES . That is literally insane . How did this happen ? And why ? Like did the director wander off to get a sandwich and just said "yeah , yeah , keep doing that until I get back" ? What about the editor ? Is there an editor in porn ? There has to be right ?

And it's not like the scene was a blowjob to "completion" after that they moved on to the normal porn SOP , the PSOP if you will . Oh , you won't ? Fine .

I'm dying to know what the deal was . But alas I never shall .

What's the longest you've given or received a blowjob ? A friend of mine claims , as part of complaining about how once you're married sex becomes routine and uninteresting , that he fell asleep during a blowjob and woke up an hour later and she was still going at it . I don't really believe it though .

While we're on the subject of dicks in general I went to see Kyle Kinane and Sean Jordan do comedy last night (great show sidenote) and Mr. Jordan had a bit about when he first lost his virginity the gist of which was he was discussing putting on the condom 6 hours before the sex was supposed to happen . It was a funny bit regardless but it especially resonated with me because I had that conversation . When I was a youth my friend was the first in my circle who were going to do "it" and he asked me when he should put the condom on "should I put it on now ?" he asked HOURS before he was meeting his GF . The real question is why he was asking me . I was definitely the least knowledgeable about that kind of thing amongst my peers .

In the end he decided to put it on then and I have wondered subsequently did he somehow manage to get a condom to stay on his flaccid wingus or was he , as a teenager about to get laid for the first time , erect the entire time after that ? I feel like it could be the latter .

As you'll remember hearing him tell me about sex the next day is part of the reason why I was never interested in sex until after college . The jury is kind of still out on how interested I am in it now .

Point is if you haven't seen that clip of Kyle Kinane and Nikki Glaser feeding lines to porn stars during a scene you need to watch it .

I wonder what they (the porn company) did with that footage . Did they do it just for that comedy bit ? Or did they ADR it later ? Or is there porn out there with insanely inappropriate dialog ? I'd like to believe the last thing but probably not .
Is Heather Graham famous ?
Posted:Mar 5, 2018 6:22 pm
Last Updated:Mar 10, 2018 5:11 pm
I mean I know she's famous because we know who she is , but is she "famous" famous ? Looking through her credits I see a TON of movies I've never heard of . I love Bowfinger personally but I don't think a lot of people have seen that movie . Is Boogie Nights and Austin Powers all she has going for her ? Granted that's more than I have , but if we can't judge celebrities what's the point of this country ?

Did you ever see her in Blessed ? Of course you didn't . It's basiy a rip off of Rosemary's Baby , and not a good . BUT check this shit out , the way they put the twin devil babies in her is because they have the devil's DNA . Where did the doctor get the devil's DNA from ? Because that sounds like a much more interesting story .

A lot of people think we got Jesus DNA from the Shroud of Turin but that's insane because you can't get DNA from dead cells . We have Jesus's DNA because a dude went back in time to when he was on the cross and collected some of the blood dripping off his foot in a vial and came back with it . Duh .

But where did the devil's DNA issue forth from which ? If I know my bible (and I don't) the only times he came to earth were the Adam and Eve gambit and then when Jesus was being tested in the desert . I bet when he was being a serpent in the garden Adam and Eve snaked (ha ! ) of his ales and hid it in a time-proof safe so we could have it in the future . That seems like something that would have happened .

There was a time in my porn-watching career that I was really into celebrity fakes . But I got over it . Partially because most of them aren't very well d . It's harder to paste some's face onto a porn star's body than you think .

Remember when I worked at Stacy's Bra and Lingerie Shop ? I do . Boy was I bad at selling bras and lingerie . I happened to be in that part of town the other day and I noticed that now it's Stacy's Bridal . How do you suppose that happened ? Was it a natural progression like lingerie was getting more and more conservative while wedding dresses were getting more and more prurient until day they realized they were basiy the same thing and they could charge more of wedding dresses ? Of course you're not going to buy a lot of wedding dresses so it seems like you would have more volume with the lingerie . And really , why not sell both ? What woman wouldn't want to buy their wedding dress and a sexy teddy at the same time ?

There's a small sub-set of porn out there of women banging in wedding dresses - generally the enario is they're getting it on with the best man or some such . Occasionally with their father in law . Which seems unnecessary to me . The gimmick is the wedding dress why can't she just be banging her husband ? No need to throw in a B plot of her infidelity right ? Too much genre mixing that's the problem with porn these days .

People often ask me for relationship advice . And I think the best thing I can do is parrot back to them a quote from the Office ;

"I am taking a calculated risk. What's the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self-loathing. Downside... I date Michael ott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star."

Point is just go for it , worst case enario your life is ruined . And while we're on the subject I've learned recently that a lot of people have gotten the point of the Boy that Cried Wolf incorrect . The point is not "don't lie" the point is "don't tell the same lie" .

I've always found it interesting that the Michael ott character garners a lot of sympathy . I kind of understand it because he is very vulnerable and pitiable but that doesn't really change the fact that he's a straight up asshole . You can get a lot of mileage by ing the dumb guy in over his head card but he's not a good person based on his actions .

of the more realistic things about that show is that he was the manager though because it does seem to be pretty common that people are promoted to the point of incompetence . It's stated (and demonstrated from time to time) that he's a great salesman and the corporate world seems to assume that if you're good at thing you'll be good at another which is rarely true . The same thing happened to me , I was great at a production job so they made me a team leader which I was terribly at because I have no people skills .

This used to really bug me but I've realized that it kind of makes sense to promote some from within because then even if they're terrible (which they are likely to be) at least they know how to do what they did before so you've still got something . If you bring in some who's supposed to be a good manager they're probably going to suck also but they don't know the business side .

So it's dumb but it makes sense in a way .

Anyway , I finally managed to take a good picture of my toys but I really have nothing to do with said picture so I'll put it here .

I guarantee you He-Man is a power bottom .
Does Han Solo's dick work after being frozen in carbonite ?
Posted:Mar 4, 2018 12:18 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2018 5:50 pm
Or was Kylo made in a bacta tank ? And if the later how does that change the dynamic of the Kylo-Solo scene in Force Awakens ?

Have I ever mentioned that I'm EDM as fuck bro ? Because I am .

The way I see life is there's two kinds of people - people that accept and either like or dislike Spider-Man for what he is and people who need to talk about how the Spider-Man character is a allegory for puberty and the webs are jizz . I know which people I like to spend my time with (no judgement though , spread the Love , spread the goodwill) .

I've mentioned before how much it entertains me when BDSM people write blogs on here complaining about how other BDSM people aren't BDSMing right . I think its because I assume that people who are in freaky sex stuff would be tolerate ant excepting and nice but it's not true at all - they're just as much jerks as nilla wafers like me . Case in point I just read a highly amusing (to me) post where a BDSMer was VERY upset about how there's too many people being switches these days and it's ruining the BDSMsphere . Either be a top or a bottom god damn it ! Although then they also complained about how no one knows how to be a good bottom anymore - not like back in the good old days .

I mean what's the world coming to ? We can't even do BDSM stuff right anymore .

While I was waiting at the doctor's office the other day I read an article in Glamour written by Katy Perry about how she learned not to be ashamed after sex anymore . As a 40 year old man I am 100% confident I am the audience she was targeting . It occurred to me though that I've never felt ashamed after sex . I haven't always felt super awesome but I've certainly never felt shame . I wonder what that means , if anything . Perhaps Katy Perry and I aren't as alike as I had originally anticipated . I should probably get in touch with her and talk it over .

It's cool Katy I'm not the dude in the Breed hat .

I try not to judge people for poorly written profiles but I just saw one where the writer said that she "loves bantar" . I almost wrote her to inform her of the misspelling but I didn't think it would be appreciated . Plus maybe I'm the jerk and she didn't mean banter , maybe she really likes 6-string banjo .

I have a jacket that sets off the anti-theft alarms every time I wear it . 99.99% of the time no one even looks over or does anything but today a dude actually came over to check my receipt . I told him the jacket always seems to set them off and he asked how long I had had it and where I got it from . Anyone one thing lead to another and I says to him I says "It was a gift from my parents so I guess it's possible they stole it" which to be was obviously a joke but he started asking me questions about if my parents steal stuff . Some people have no sense of humor . Also some people have parents that steal shit .

Update on my watching the first (terrible) season of TNG - I forgot how big of a character Tasha Yar was in the beginning . I assumed she wanted to be killed off because her part wasn't very big before , must have been instead because her character was terrible . I also forgot how unclear the different roles were at the beginning of the show . I think they had 4 different chief engineers in the first 6 episodes , some of which were still on the show after the Reading Rainbow guy became Chief Engineer . O'Brien was originally shown as being a security officer , Geordi appeared to have no position at first and then was a helmsman . It seems like Worf was an ensign maybe ?

Also it's clear to me now that Wesley is a sociopath . It explains a lot . On multiple occasions people die right in front of him and he doesn't even react . And any time his sexy momma gets possessed or is drunk on space-whiskey he doesn't seem to care in the slightest .

Also also I forgot how insanely weird Data was in the beginning . I feel like he was just pretending to be stupid to mess with people .

I have no idea how they show didn't get cancelled . But hey , it was the 80s and as the man says "Cocaine is a hell of a drug" .
Isn't that what life is made of ?
Posted:Mar 2, 2018 6:20 pm
Last Updated:Mar 4, 2018 11:50 am
Winter isn't over yet here in America's Heartland but it's gotten warm enough that Pepito is going to be heading back north soon enough . We were hanging out the other day kind of saying goodbye and Pepito says to me he says "40 , have you ever been in love ?" And I sighed and said "Yeah I think Pepito , once" . And he asked me to tell him about it but I said "nah , I'm going to blog about it instead" so he bit me on the knee and ran away . Which is no more than I deserve hstly .

This was a few back and just to set the stage I have older sisters you see and despite both of them being gainfully employed adult ladies they both still depend on my parents for and various goods and whatnot . Case in point 100% of the time over the last 14 or both of them has been "borrowing" a car from my parents . How many can you have something before it's not borrowing ? I don't know . I have a friend's power washer that's pushing that limit right now .

Point is at the time of this story both my sisters were driving borrowed cars and then my brother in law's truck broke down so he was also borrowing my dad's truck . Which my parents were not happy about but of course they weren't going to say anything about it being the good repressed non-confrontational Christian Midwest family that we are but they did complain about it to me .

So with his backdrop I saw my buddy Ropinirole tweet out about a contest they were having at the radio station he works for down in Meads , KY - it was of those "hands on a" whatever deals where every just has to keep in contact with a car or whatever and the last person standing wins it . In this case for a 2015 Cadillac Ealade . I've seen this a trope on the TV sitcoms but I was never sure if it was a real thing . I feel like maybe it was like a bigger deal in the 60's and 70's ? You know , before entertainment existed .

I decided I'd drive down to Meads for a couple days , hang out with Ropi , and then enter this contest . I didn't figure I would win but hey , why not try ? If I get the thing then I can give it to my dad or my brother in law or whoever and defuse the whole situation .

So that's what I did . When the contest started there were a couple people , possibly also working off sitcoms , they were trying to employ "strategy" . Such as guy was clearly trying to stink every else out , hadn't showered for a while and had g out of his way to funkify himself . At least I hope he did that for the contest , if that's his normal odor he's got a real problem , not that a giant truckmobile is going to fix . There was another guy that was trying to annoy people away by shouting and clapping and generally carrying on . The problem with that plan is that after about 15 minutes he was fucking gassed - sweat was pouring off him like I've never seen before . People underestimate how much energy it takes to whoop it up continuously . Those morons in the maot suit at sporting events typical have a lot of cardio power .

of the rules for this deal was no phs or handheld gaming systems (also no books , I was the only who asked about that) or anything to entertain yourself with - just you sitting there touching a truck . Which makes me want to do a comparison to how long people last at these kind of contests over the . Every loves to say how no has any attention span anymore , and I think this would be a good way to gather some data on that idea . If 40 ago people were willing to spend a lot more time with their hand on a car I feel like that means something .

Around the hour mark is when people really started dropping out . Did they really think they could get a free Caddy with 2 hours of boredom ? Maybe they thought they could stand a lot more time than they really could . I'd say we lost about half the crew between hours 3-4 . By the time hour rolled around it was down to just a handful . At this point I was laying on the hood/windshield like you used to do at drive-in movies back in the day and I noticed of the other people still in the contest was a lady .

I think she was Samoan , or some kind of Pacific Islander - she was a big gal , and not overw big (although she was hefty too) but big big , she was easily my h and maybe a little taller and she was just built .

This is not a picture of her but it is a good representation of her body type . That's totally me on the left though .

I'm not sure why but I said to her "Do you think Return of the Jedi would have been a better movie if the ewoks had been wookies ?" because people have always claimed that it was supposed to have been wookies but they decided that would be too budget intensive . Sidenote the red haired chick from Mythbuster was a small wookie in Revenge of the Sith , what have you d with your life ?

To my surprise she had a lot to say on the subject . We started talking about this and that and everything under the sun . of the other dudes still in the contest kept trying to horn in on our conversations but we mostly ignored him . People talk about a "spark" or an instant connection , and I don't know if I've ever felt that for sure but if I haven't this was definitely the closest I've ever come .

It's a cliché to say that I felt like I had known her for but it's the truth . It was of those things where we had literally just met but somehow it felt like we had inside jokes and other things that only we understood - little secrets from the rest of the world .

We chatted for hours upon hours about topics ranging from Farape to tax reform to Southeast Asian religion to Js Soda . I don't think I've ever talked so much ever before or again , I was definitely losing my voice . In a moment of silence I realized "wow , I really like this girl" . Which is weird because I am not the sort at all that warms up to people quickly . I joke sometimes that it takes me "a few " to get used to people but it's of those jokes that's basiy true .

The contest had started at ten AM and I was close to 3:30 AM the next day when we realized that we were the only left . We both started dancing around the subject of trying to come to some kind of deal and she said that she was trying to win the Ealade because she wanted to sell it to get for a culinary arts hool . She had been in the navy I believe because they would for her to get her degree but she had rewed up her back falling off a fence or something - I didn't get the whole story there .

I told her I'd give her 5 grand if she let me win , which I knew was a shoddy deal , but to my surprise she took it and she did indeed let me win . We made plans to meet up later that day . After a long nap and some generally rewing around at the hotel I met her at the restaurant attached , which as a decent Mexican place .

She was dressed very nicely and all lady-glamed out as you see in dates times and she looked good but not nearly as good as she looked to me when I first saw her just in shorts and a Louisville Slugger hoodie . I hadn't really brought any nice clothes (also I don't really own any nice clothes) so I felt kind of hlubby across from her but she didn't seem to mind .

It was really interesting because it felt like we had already been on like 20 dates even though we had just met the day before . There was kind of a nervous energy between us though , it was like before it was all just fun and games but now it was serious you know ? Our conversation was a little more silted and somewhat awkward but after a while we loosened up and were cracking each other up with our "wit" . We stayed there way too long which we eventually figured out from the evil looks the staff was shooting out way . I said to her "I'd invite you back to my room but I'm leaving tomorrow and I . . ." she was up and said "Lets go , which room are you in ?" before I could even finish .

We talked for a while in the room as well but eventually it got down the smooching and the groping . We fooled around for a while and then I said to her "What do you like ?" And she says "You don't have a toad do you ?"

I asked her if that was euphemism but it was not . She explained to me that she was sexually aroused by urinating on toads . Which I have to say , freaked me out more than a little bit . Because first of all that seems like animal cruelty . Secondly she was VERY specific that it had to be a toad , not a frog , which made is extra weird for some reason . And thirdly I am not into any of that kind of stuff . I told her as much and she said ;

"What if you took a Chewbacca mask . . ."

"Oooh , now you're talking !"

"And you shit in it ."

Uh what ? I asked her if she was messing with me but she assured me that she wasn't . She was turned on by seeing guys take a dump in Chewbacca masks . I almost joked that I would look for a toad after hearing that but I was afraid she'd take me seriously . She could tell by my reaction , much as I tried to it cool , that I wasn't into that either .

She said "I'm sorry , this is not really first time sex kind of stuff , I just feel like we've known each other for so long , I know something you'll like ."

And she went into the bathroom and came back out a few minutes later in some very fetching black and pink lingerie . Of course the staplegun she was holding didn't really inspire my most erotic thoughts . In the end we just did it "normal" and towards the end she was having an orgasm with every thrust - I've never seen anything quite like it . It was mildly terrifying .

For a brief moment I thought about staying . But I didn't , I left the next day as planned . We trade a few s and e-mails and whatnot , she even came up to visit me time , but it wasn't the same somehow , we drifted apart . I don't know if I loved her , but I could have loved her you know ?

I still think about her sometimes in the lly hours of life .

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